Penkelemesi

The Marlian Empire: A brief history on human history 

The wars ended and Hafiz started a conquest. It would become the only bloodless conquest in the history of the human race. Within thirty years, Hafiz became the Supreme Charismatic Leader (an office created specially for him) controlling the United Nations. On Marlianry 5 2050, he changed the UN to No Battle Ground (NBG) and proceeded to create global peace through disarmament.

From Our Allies

Man to Martyr: The ‘Soworape’ of the Rule of Law. 

Umu Nigeria, Freedom is not free, the press can’t be allowed to report freely because their owners are either enemies of the government or potential enemies, people like Sowore and co. The people do not deserve a collective power because they don’t know what they want. If you don’t know that N30,000 is more than enough to sustain a family of six for over a month, how then do you know what is good for you?

From Our Allies

Dear Aunty Aisha, please stand still. Stop confusing the thunder. 

I logged on Twitter to see your name trending. I was excited that our matron was back at giving the cabal their usual dose of gbas and gbos, only for me to get the shocker of my life. I don’t know what surprised me the most, that you were making references to China or that you were encouraging those small boys in the Senate to take away our social media that has saved your marriage more times than a therapist.

From Our Allies

Divided we stand, divided we fall 

You think these people are not working hard? I laugh. If they worked hard to give you a good economy, good-paying jobs, and a minimum wage of N100,000, how then will you be able to sell your vote for N2,000? This is why they work hard to keep you poor, so that poverty will, in turn, have you work for them too. You think you’re the only one who read The Richest Man In Babylon?

From Our Allies, Prize for Satire

Dear Baba… an open letter to President Buhari 

Permit me to also inform you to disregard requests from Iranian government telling you to send El-Zakzaky to their country for medical attention. Like who does that? With the best of medical facilities we have in the country? Who goes abroad for medical attention⸺well, if not you? We that have more than enough medical doctors, and we don’t even mind lending them to the UK or Canada to practice? Don’t mind Iran; their leaders must be jokers. Our medical facility is superior to that of any nation in the world, and the Shiite leader is receiving the best treatment anyone can get.

Unseriously Serious

Why obey a court order when… 

Why obey a court order when there’s Twitter? Even if lots of innocent, precious lives are lost during a protest over the continued detention of someone despite court orders, all you need is a thread that starts with you “most deeply commiserating with the families” of the victims, continues with a threat to the protesters, and ends with a prayer to God—you know, because Nigerians don’t just love prayers, they also love (authoritarian) leaders who pray.