By: Karshams


Breaking news: Nigeria is now home to the best-equipped Twitter Army


Attention! Attention! Where are those people who constantly badmouth and tongue-lash Nigeria and Nigerians? Where are they? Let them come out to show themselves. Where are those jealousy-filled nations that say Nigeria will never amount to anything useful? They all have gone hiding. Reality has dawned on them all. The nations that think we will always wallow in mediocrity are now shocked as our citizens begin to change the narrative by engaging in the greatest war of all time ⸺ The Twitter War.

Now every nation is full of fear lest ever-gallant Nigerians gun them down with armoured tanks and nuclear bombs of tweets.

Nigeria ranks the best fighter on Twitter due to the doggedness and intellectualism of Nigerians who have debased, exterminated, and completely annihilated every nation that attempts to undermine her progress.

With the advancement and subsequent domination of Nigeria on Twitter, the nation will welcome tremendous uplift and huge productivity, and her 98 million poverty-stricken citizens will be alleviated. Who still says Nigerians are not intellectuals? Let such have a taste of their defeat on Twitter. Nonsense!

When the big-headed Kenyans dare challenge Nigerians on Twitter, they did not only suffer gross defeat but were also completely ripped off their senses by the intellectually superior Nigerians. No wonder, recently, no Nigerians have cried out over unemployment nor have they ventilated their displeasure on the governance of the country. Most of them, if not all, have become Field Marshalls of the Nigerian Twitter Army⸺and, guess what, they are well-paid.

When Uganda, that struggling country in East Africa, also attempted to invade Nigeria on Twitter, expectedly, the patriotic citizens of Africa’s giant decimated them with a higher number of tweets ⸺ the most-advanced modern ammunition.

Rather fortunately, this Twitter War is included in the Nigeria’s Educational Curriculum.

Towards the end of last year, something epic happened. Universities across Nigeria started attacking one another using tweets. First, it was #UnilagvsOAU, then #UIvsFUTA followed by others. This is no doubt an indication of the good educational system we have in Nigeria and the kinds of academics we nurture. It is nothing short of patriotism to leave pressing issues in academia to pursue Twitter Wars.

Dear President Buhari was impressed with this advancement that he allocated N494 billion or thereabout for the educational sector. But most students and academic stakeholders were complaining. Sai Baba, don’t mind them. They are no less confused than you are. Do your thing. Your things are always right.

As effective as Twitter Wars are though, it would be folly for anybody who feels Buhari is not doing enough to attempt displacing him first by taking over the Nigerian Twitter Army (NTA). Atiku Abubakar, a major contender in the last general elections, did it. He controlled most soldiers of the NTA but he lost. Why? Well, because the election was never held on Twitter⸺as it should’ve.

Slowly but nicely, the world is respecting Nigeria because she is a threat with her 5G Twitter Army. But then, it is said that scores of civilians have been rendered lifeless and homeless by the dreadful Bokoharam and ordinary cattle rearers, despite the nation’s intimidating army-Twitterati. But do not mind these reports as any battle outside Twitter is no battle at all.

Some bad people will say that Nigeria and Nigerians have been colonised again as the Oyinbos deceived Nigerians into dominating the Twitter war so that issues of corruption, nepotism, and government’s inadequacies will not be addressed. Once again, do not mind them. Didn’t the so-called great USA badmouth China’s 5G saying that it was cancerous and all that? When you hold the corridors of power, people will envy you. It is envy and sheer hypocrisy from these malicious people.

It is on Twitter you will see a Nigerian tweeting that “Buhari is the most confused leader in modern history, let the youth take over”. Seconds later, another Nigerian will accuse the Ibo tribe of being the problem of the country because of the Biafran agitation. What causes this? I do not know, but it is not corruption.

Everyone is willing to die for Nigeria on Twitter. I heard Buhari is funding them. After this piece, I am rushing to the battlefield, not to fight but to receive my share. Wondering how that could happen? Don’t forget this is Nigeria and everything is impossibly possible.

Karshams engages in casting the light of justice on the darkness of society’s evils. He can be reached via Twitter @prof_labs or Instagram @kar_shams.