Marlians don’t follow instructions: A report on Thursday’s #EndSARS protests
“If you’re not an armed robber why will you be afraid of SARS, I have lived in Lagos for over 30 years and SARS has not harassed me one day, why will they be moving around with big big phones as young as they are; where did they get the money?”
The cry of a baby police
Why did you decide to stop our only way of making personal money? This Covik 1-9 is brought by the gods to repay us of our good deeds. But you have chosen to punish us. You decided to lift the inter-state travel ban; for us the most profitable way of earning money ever.
“A very good morning to the esteemed and important citizens of Zootopia. The next story from the entertainment world had me choking on my coffee this morning. Word from the streets of the zoo has it that a very popular puppy from Zootopia’s commercial capital just got a new million-dollar mansion. This puppy is known for his Gucci puppy collars and chains. His extravagant lifestyle, and expensive outfits have made him the role model of many other animals even though his source of income remains unknown.”
May Nigeria not happen to you
The bullion vans that entered a private bank on Bourdillon Street, your anti-graft agency is yet to probe. Your House of Assembly speaker has about 64 bank accounts, he is yet to be duly prosecuted too. But if the police find more than three ATM cards in your wallet, you are declared a yahoo boy and your trial starts immediately.
Sleep comfortably, sweet corruption!
This year’s 29th day of May is significant as it is on this day five years ago that Buhari declared the mother of all wars on corruption. His acceptance speech on that historic day in May 2015 marked the gradual death of Corruption. The story was told of how Mr Corruption could not withstand the superior firepower of Buhari’s highly motivated anti-corruption soldiers.
How to get away with (extrajudicial) murder in Nigeria: A beginner’s guide
How fortunate one must feel to be a Nigerian, to come from a country where absolute freedom is not a myth and impunity reigns supreme. When a great man (we are not sure which one) famously proclaimed that “your liberty to swing your fist ends just where my nose begins,” he certainly had not heard about the wonderful country called Nigeria. He, especially, betrayed his ignorance of that special creature known as the Nigerian Policeman or the Nigerian Soldier for whom the liberty to swing their fists ends wherever the fists end. Full stop.
Lockdown: SARS officials hit rock bottom, to start door-to-door ‘anti-crime’ visits
Salami said the officials have recently received valuable intelligence about a group of cyber-fraudsters in Lagos known as Sinzu, Spending, and Jacuzzi, and plans to pay them a visit in the first phase of its operation. “But, you know, we don’t want to disclose too much about that mission so as not to sabotage it,” he added, with a broad grin.
Satire 0-1 News: Corruption-induced corona, UI’s blind auditor, and other stories
Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater…
May Nigeria never happen to you
Wait for it: If Nigeria should happen to you, your father would keep visiting the United States of America for the slightest headache, but he will emphasise that irrespective of how ill you are you must not go beyond the United States of Abule-Egba in the search for a cure to your ailment — in order to save some token for national development and increase the rate of underdevelopment in the country.
One more sure way to become a rich Nigerian
Let’s do the maths: In two hours, if you are on a busy road, you can collect N50 from nothing less than 100 cars or bikes. That is about N5000 daily and N150,000 monthly, in addition to your already guaranteed bumper salary. Well, you might have to share that with your colleagues; don’t be discouraged. Remember the saying, “if you want to go far, go with people”.