Anjy's Satirical Animals

Designer puppy 

“A very good morning to the esteemed and important citizens of Zootopia. The next story from the entertainment world had me choking on my coffee this morning. Word from the streets of the zoo has it that a very popular puppy from Zootopia’s commercial capital just got a new million-dollar mansion. This puppy is known for his Gucci puppy collars and chains. His extravagant lifestyle, and expensive outfits have made him the role model of many other animals even though his source of income remains unknown.”

From Our Allies

May Nigeria not happen to you 

The bullion vans that entered a private bank on Bourdillon Street, your anti-graft agency is yet to probe. Your House of Assembly speaker has about 64 bank accounts, he is yet to be duly prosecuted too. But if the police find more than three ATM cards in your wallet, you are declared a yahoo boy and your trial starts immediately.

Unseriously Serious

How to get away with (extrajudicial) murder in Nigeria: A beginner’s guide 

How fortunate one must feel to be a Nigerian, to come from a country where absolute freedom is not a myth and impunity reigns supreme. When a great man (we are not sure which one) famously proclaimed that “your liberty to swing your fist ends just where my nose begins,” he certainly had not heard about the wonderful country called Nigeria. He, especially, betrayed his ignorance of that special creature known as the Nigerian Policeman or the Nigerian Soldier for whom the liberty to swing their fists ends wherever the fists end. Full stop.

The T.A. Report

Lockdown: SARS officials hit rock bottom, to start door-to-door ‘anti-crime’ visits 

Salami said the officials have recently received valuable intelligence about a group of cyber-fraudsters in Lagos known as Sinzu, Spending, and Jacuzzi, and plans to pay them a visit in the first phase of its operation. “But, you know, we don’t want to disclose too much about that mission so as not to sabotage it,” he added, with a broad grin.

From Our Allies

May Nigeria never happen to you 

Wait for it: If Nigeria should happen to you, your father would keep visiting the United States of America for the slightest headache, but he will emphasise that irrespective of how ill you are you must not go beyond the United States of Abule-Egba in the search for a cure to your ailment — in order to save some token for national development and increase the rate of underdevelopment in the country.

From Our Allies

One more sure way to become a rich Nigerian 

Let’s do the maths: In two hours, if you are on a busy road, you can collect N50 from nothing less than 100 cars or bikes. That is about N5000 daily and N150,000 monthly, in addition to your already guaranteed bumper salary. Well, you might have to share that with your colleagues; don’t be discouraged. Remember the saying, “if you want to go far, go with people”.

The T.A. Report

Immorality now Nigeria’s greatest security challenge, say police after ‘Operation Risky Bob’ 

“Yesterday’s invasion, which is the first phase of what we’ve tagged ‘Operation Risky Bob’, was no doubt successful as we prevented the commission of ungodly atrocities on our soil. I mean, what insecurity could be greater than not feeling secure with the gender your wise parents gave you?” the PPRO asked, as some policemen and journalists nodded in approval.