By: Mustapha Maryam Boluwatife
“A very good morning to the esteemed and important citizens of Zootopia. The next story from the entertainment world had me choking on my coffee this morning. Word from the streets of the zoo has it that a very popular puppy from Zootopia’s commercial capital just got a new million-dollar mansion. This puppy is known for his Gucci puppy collars and chains. His extravagant lifestyle, and expensive outfits have made him the role model of many other animals even though his source of income remains unknown. Off to some commercials, we’ll be back soon on Zoo celeb gist hub to give you more Zootopia celebrity gist.”
“Oga, don’t you see sense in what this woman said? This puppy’s followers are too many o.”
“Can you now see, Corporal Ajaye, that you are stupid?” the sergeant said with his mouth open as he consumed a large chicken lap which his mistress had just brought in a warmer.
“Yes now. So because he doesn’t have a job, he shouldn’t dress well? You that you have a job, is that why your trouser has a hole in the back? A whole officer! In fact, ojúgbàmítí (I’m ashamed simply because of my association with you),” Sergeant Apala said in his thick Yoruba accent, proving that, indeed, he is one of the children of Idanre.
The poor corporal covered his rear with his hand as he left, even though his new Aba-made boxers still made an appearance.
“Òníkátíkátí (unserious fellow),” the sergeant said, as he dug into the fleshy wings of another chicken.
“Ah! Abike can cook,” he said as he adjusted his seat, in preparation to peacefully consume the remaining content of the food warmer.
— A couple of weeks after.
“What is this reporter’s problem with this puppy? She has problem o.”
“Oga, what has the reporter from Zoo celeb gist hub done again?” Corporal Ajaye asked.
“Ajaye, can’t you see the way she has been moving her mouth from the left to the right? She is making her mouth look bad just to bad-mouth the poor puppy.”
“Sergeant, if I should talk now, you’ll say that my mouth is smelling.”
“Ajaye, talk. I know you brushed this morning.”
“Oga, this puppy is a thief, a criminal. The bible said no food for a lazy man but this particular lazy puppy is not only eating but also wearing designer.”
“My friend, if the bible said that, then there is a reason he is a puppy and not a man.”
— Two months later.
“Designer puppy has been, arrested, Oga,” Corporal Ajaye said, while jubilating and trying to dance the Zanku dance but failing woefully.
“Kíní? (What?) A police officer is jubilating that a promising Nigerian was arrested. Ah! I shake my Idanre head for you, Ajaye.”
“Oga, promising Nigerian? He was a thief o. They arrested him for stealing, abi is it defrauding someone sef?” Ajaye said as he scratched his dark, bald head in an attempt to remember the puppy’s exact offence.
“Yes, promising. Is he not bringing back the money of our great-grandfathers that is stuck in those foreign countries?”
“…but sergeant sir…”
“But kọọr, butter ní.”
[…] to tower above his equals reaches for the same manual as our compatriot that a friend calls “Designer Puppy”. What does that leave us with? It leaves a room in the dictionary for the word “Nigerian […]