Hypocrisy’s new book came at a time Nigerians needed it the most, and not so surprisingly, in just one day, it has joined the list of best-sellers. Speaking on why he wrote the book, Dr. Hypocrisy said, “I have traveled around the world before settling in Nigeria because the people here are very pleasant. When I came, I had no influence, no wealth and no children, but now, I have many wives across the country. The book is about my time in Nigeria, and it is a very special tribute.”
Dr. Hypocrisy also confirmed the not-so-popular opinion that he got the idea from some politicians. He said, “One needs not be a politician before he can write a book about his stay in a place as nice as Nigeria. During my time in Nigeria, I have seen men like Oluseun Omosanjo, and Efele John Nathan who aren’t half as smart as I am write books. I know this knowledge I have must not live and die inside me, so I decided to join the league of writers by writing about the time I spent in the country.”
Below is a excerpt from the fantastic book:
At 60, I am seated in my car, writing my first book, and looking out at the beautiful country that housed me for more than 50 years of my life. Nigeria came many years before its time. Like Atlantis, the lost empire, Nigeria has the technology that the rest of the world does not have yet. The road design that involves multiple irregularly shaped holes for speed control was discovered in University of Ibara a few years back, and since then, only few countries have been able to copy the design. The road design effectively reduces collision with other vehicles, by promoting lone accidents. I look at the street lamps that stand majestically in the dark like statues, and I smile, as I remember how these types of street lamps require no maintenance. Government at all levels in Nigeria is truly wise.
Never mind my deviation. I got a little carried away by the beauty of the dark streets that look like a candlelit dinner arrangement illuminated by car headlights instead of candles. Back to my story, when I came to Nigeria, I tested the shields of Nigerians and noticed that they have a major weakness. Nigerians always need someone to blame, and the government is that person. The ruling party is the problem, politicians are the criminals, so when I came to Nigeria, I supported them, and they invited me into their houses, and served me meals. I didn’t have a job, I still don’t have one, but everyday, I wake up to breakfast in bed, as there is always one Nigerian who spent the time preaching what he doesn’t practice. In less than a month in the country, I had gotten myself a large group of followers who I call Hypocrites.
The longer I spent in the country, the more followers I got. I made the deeds of my followers look good to them, and made the deeds of others look bad. Some of the questions I made them ask are: Who exactly gave political office holders the right to inflate the price of projects, when the only ones permitted to inflate the prices of goods and services are the masses? Who gave those wealthy men the right to travel out of the country when the masses are still looking for ways to port?
Soon after my household visits, I entered religious houses, and helped with the distortion of the words in holy books into something ugly in an artistic way. I showed everyone the significance of word of mouth, and how action doesn’t speak at all. At this stage, I had many followers. Both the religious leader and his followers were hypocrites, so there was no one to point out my presence in the congregation. After all, I am Dr. Hypocrisy, an invincible young man with big dreams, and lots of manipulative power. I showed them prerecorded videos of how other religions aren’t peaceful, and they believed me, and called other religions evil, even when people practicing their own religion kill each other while running for religious posts. I made Muslims believe that they are better than Christians as Christians are dubious, and made Christians believe they are better because Muslims are pedophiles, even though Pastor John is always staring at the pretty 4-year-old girls in church, and wishing their parents can leave them with him after Sunday School.
Nigerians are perfect for my ambition of taking over the world. They make the work easy, as they are a self-righteous bunch. They blame racists, but they are in fact worse than racists. The average Nigerian parent doesn’t want his child to marry outside his tribe. Theirs is the tale of audio love on social media when in the real world, they don’t like each other. Even among themselves, they still segregate. There’s a great difference between core Ibos and Delta Ibos, and there is a large difference between those from Ibadan and those from Oyo town. My people aren’t racists. They just don’t like who they don’t like.
Beyond tribe, there is age. My ever-receptive Nigerians are always trying to be the righteous ones. The youth understand through my help that the elders are the problem of the country, but all thanks to me, even the elders see that the youth are the problem. Now, among the youth, there is another group known as the hooligans. These ones are dropouts that have no manners. They deserve to be punished by the police officers. Among the youth, there are the police officers and military men who are well known for their brutality. These ones deserve to be killed for their wickedness and inhumane treatment of other youths. Don’t forget, the elders are the problem. They are only trying to make the youth look bad by introducing these bad elements.
Among the elders are old corrupt politicians who, thanks to my help, are constantly blamed by other elders such as the innocent retirees who received bribe while they were in service. It is not the fault of the retirees. They helped themselves to a little bribe because the money wasn’t enough, but those politicians are just greedy. It’s not the fault of the politicians as well. Their position is temporary, so they have a reason to steal, but those retirees have a permanent job so why did they steal? They are just greedy!
I am not a bad person, I just don’t mind taking advantage when it is presented. I pry on the weak and easy prey, and Nigerians are pretty easy. Now that I have set the well oiled engine of hypocrisy into motion, I can finally leave Nigeria, and move to another country that is filled with sour milk and bitter honey. Though this might look like a confession, it is not. I know Nigerians are like hens, and once I throw them few hypocritical grains, they will pick them up, and forget I ever said this.