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The T.A. Report

Lockdown: SARS officials hit rock bottom, to start door-to-door ‘anti-crime’ visits

Lockdown: SARS officials hit rock bottom, to start door-to-door ‘anti-crime’ visits

NIGERIA (The T.A. Report) ― Officials of Nigeria’s renowned Special Anti-Robbery Squad, SARS, have asked Nigerians to brace themselves as they prepare to take the war against crime to their doorsteps during the coronavirus pandemic.

The T.A. Report gathered that the lock-down implemented in some of the states in the country, including the FCT, has come to the special police department as a rude shock, especially as it has been denied access to its major source of Internally Generated Revenue from road users and pedestrians.

The squad’s spokesperson, Asasi Salami, told our correspondent on Thursday that they have decided to adjust with the times by engaging in a door-to-door campaign with the aim of fishing out Nigerians who are “constituting nuisance with their income or in how they make it”.

“We are glad to announce that what you have all been waiting for is about to happen. Your friendly neighborhood and highway police team will soon be commencing a grassroots, door-to-door campaign to improve security in our communities,” he said with a slight, hardly noticeable chuckle.

“We will be focusing our searchlight on various categories of suspects,” he continued.

“These include people with generators of different sizes and multiple kegs of petrol as they will have to explain what they need all that electricity for; people with more than two phones, especially expensive ones like iPhones; people who have tall fences and more than one exit door out of their houses; people who work on their computers while undressed or wearing flip-flops because we understand that is the trademark of Yahoo boys; and people are seen idling around the neighborhood perhaps coincidentally in search of ATMs.”

Salami said the officials have recently received valuable intelligence about a group of cyber-fraudsters camping somewhere in Lagos Island ― identified as Sinzu, Spending, and Jacuzzi ― and plan to pay them a visit in the first phase of the operation. “But, you know, we don’t want to disclose too much about that mission so as not to sabotage it,” he added, with a broad grin.

He also said the squad has taken additional measures to equip all its operatives with disinfected POS machines and hand sanitisers.

“We, however, urge people who are showing more than one symptom of COVID-19 to place notices on their doors so that the security of our officials will not compromised,” he cautioned.

SARS is reputed as the most-trended law enforcement unit on the social media in Nigeria and also holds the record of informally prosecuting the highest number of suspected criminals in the country.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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