By: Samuel Olakunori


Shun, sir!

Em, Your Excellency sir, with all respect sir, I have come to inform you of how sad we your hardworking children are.

Ehn ehn, sir you know, of all your children, we are the only ones who have been protecting your good name in the society. We’re hardworking and  have increased the IGR of this royal family, but you have never appreciated us once.

Daddy, do you remember how, anytime you want to achieve your goals, you don’t exempt us; either you send us on a solo or you ask us to join our step-brothers. Hmph, the tens of journalists, activists, and politicians that do not want to bow, despite seeing you with the broom.

Even our seniors — the army, aren’t as supportive as we are. They are not go-getters. You would say they are protecting this kingdom, but how is that profitable to this royal family?

We increased this family’s wealth either through proceeds we gather from the highway or by monetising the bail that is free. We also ensure there is equal distribution of wealth by reducing the population of this kingdom in a bottom-up order.

Cough. Daddy, this may be the last time we will address you with respect if you refuse to hear our humble cry.

Why did you decide to stop our only way of making personal money? This Covik 1-9 is brought by the gods to repay us of our good deeds. But you have chosen to punish us. You decided to lift the inter-state travel ban; for us the most profitable way of earning money ever.

D’allah maigida, drop what you have lifted, don’t stop our biggest means of income. Bail us from this problem (it is free, you know).

If not, we may have to return to old methods: journalists will again write more statements than reports, human rights activists will have no rights any longer, and the Hushpuppians will become our puppies — we will nurture them till they mature and then eat them as protein supplement.

Remember, Brother SARS is always on the beat.

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