No one can win an election in Nigeria with questionable results except Mr President. He holds that record and he’ll never share that glory with anybody. Unarguably, the anointing flows from the top.
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Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater comedians than professional humorists. Don’t believe us? Keep reading. KogiDecides: INEC declares 30 staff missing The electoral commission, INEC, has…
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“Mr Governor, I urge you to develop their sufferings and glorify their poverty. That is one cornerstone of our party’s policies – domesticating poverty massively and celebrating corrupt officials, willful abuse of court orders and rape of the nation’s constitution. 38 months of unpaid salaries are just the tip of the iceberg. Owe them 48 months.”
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Because the Presidency holds the lives of the citizens in high esteem, they have to, first of all, congratulate whoever wins in Kogi, applaud INEC for a job well done and shower encomium on security operatives before they — if they will — count the number of lost lives, rough-handled citizens, injured voters, and traumatised individuals. Meanwhile, it is an offence to mentally or physically endanger any kind of animal in the UK.
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“Only this man has the skills and resources to pull off such a heist,” an official of the electoral commission told our correspondent on Saturday. “Don’t be surprised if the INEC server is found under a pedestrian bridge like the mace was, or maybe put up for sale as fairly used at the Computer Village in Lagos.”
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Alabere Williams, a US-based Nigerian neurosurgeon, explained that the behavioural patterns of Atiku are suggestive of a condition known as paranoid schizophrenia. “The man seems to see the United States as some sort of father or god figure whom he runs to whenever he’s in trouble, and the delusion is getting worse by the day,” he said with a concerned look.
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Needless to say, one of the biggest beneficiaries of the boom era of smaller parties will be designers, logo makers especially. Apparently, asides the name, the other most important thing about a party is its logo. The lines. The colours. The choice of emblems and animals. Ah-mean, when it comes to content development, no one really gives one hoot about aim and objectives, mission and vision, ideologies, constitution, and that useless one they call manifesto. Graphic designers should therefore get ready for a career make-over that’ll financially elevate them above university professors and possibly even medical doctors.
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ABUJA — ALL hope may not be lost to restore the “stolen mandates” of top politicians in Nigeria’s Feb 23 presidential and national assembly elections. This is because a new technology has been invented to replay scenes of voting. This new technology is the Voters Assistant Replayer (VAR). It is…
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“Nigerians do not recognise the importance of our parties. They are saying on Twitter that we should be checking our results through JAMB scratch cards. Don’t they know that smaller parties are needed in a democracy to make things lively? Besides, how can Nigerians get the coveted title of ‘former presidential/senatorial candidate’ if there are only two parties? Don’t they know that these parties are like universities, while we are the polytechnics and colleges of education?”
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