ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Lesser-known political parties in Nigeria, on the heels of the presidential and national assembly elections held last Saturday, have urged the Independent National Electoral Commission to redistribute the number of rejected votes equally among them.

This appeal was made on Thursday at a meeting held in Abuja by the Nigerian Association of Small but Mighty Political Parties (NASMPP).

In a press statement signed by the Public Relations Officer, Comrade Sofela Oluwamumudondo, and obtained by The T.A. Report, the parties lamented the embarrassment of “scoring abysmally low in a number of states”.

“We are not asking for anything strange. We all know that in our various schools, lecturers give students additional points if they do not meet the cut-off mark. Why can’t INEC also do this? INEC chairman Mahmood Yakubu, being a former lecturer, should understand,” the statement read.

“We ask the electoral commission and Nigerians at large to put themselves in our shoes. How can political parties — not cooperative societies or student associations — be getting zero votes, one vote, in a country of nearly 200 million people? It is highly unfair. And it is also bad for the reputation of this country.

“We were unable to reach a consensus as to what sharing formula INEC should adopt, in preparation for the gubernatorial elections. So we have decided to have the votes shared equally.”

Speaking to our reporter after the meeting, National Chairman of the People’s Coalition Party (PCP), Don Anthony Chukwuma Harmattan, complained about the jokes on the social media targeted against parties such as his.

He said: “Nigerians do not recognise the importance of our parties. They are saying on Twitter that we should be checking our results through JAMB scratch cards. Don’t they know that smaller parties are needed in a democracy to make things lively? Besides, how can Nigerians get the coveted title of ‘former presidential/senatorial candidate’ if there are only two parties? Don’t they know that these parties are like universities, while we are the polytechnics and colleges of education?”

“At the PCP, we are just glad to be the second runner-up in the presidential race, but we believe we can still do better,” he added.

“Our three-man National Executive Council has already gone back to the drawing board to restrategise against 2023 general elections. But we are not sure yet what acronym to adopt: whether PPP or PPD.”

Following the PCP closely in the fourth position is another party with an unknown presidential candidate and a rather suspicious name: the African Democratic Congress (ADC).

Nigeria presently holds a world record for the longest ballot paper ever used in elections in all of history. There are 91 political parties in the country, and 73 of them presented candidates for the presidential race. Others, investigations have revealed, simply auction their loyalty to the highest bidder among the big fish.

The election conducted last Saturday recorded almost 1.3 million rejected votes across the country. This is nearly double the total number votes that accrued to all the parties — asides the PDP and APC, which was 869,758.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.