Punocracy

… where sa-tyres never go flat

Lamentations of an Egbere

The road’s prayer: A Nigerian road’s supplicative commentary on the Paternoster

Every year, billions of money that the can break the jaw of a counter are allocated for my manicure and pedicure in the budget. Those monies are always too blind to locate me. The only place they know is the coffers of the same old corrupt politicians. The little that manages to locate me is usually shared with contractors who are always keen on having the lion’s share. Hence, my dreadful state!

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Lamentations of an Egbere

From pit to palace: The rise and rise of Nigerian prisons

In Nigeria, an upgrade, no matter how insignificant it appears, calls for a rechristening. When you roam about Facebook, for instance, you may come across a Kande Kurushepe going by the new name of Yummy-Kandy Krueger-Sheks. Why? She has now acquired a cheap made-in-China Brontel Android phone and has caught up with the teeming webizens of the 21st century on the World Wide Web.

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The T.A. Report

Fuel scarcity, power cut: Things that could go wrong with a SpaceX launch in Nigeria

“What would a made-in-Nigeria SpaceX launch look like?” one researcher, Trojan (@ichtrojan) asked on Twitter, titling his study ‘Nigerian SpaceX – A thread of a million things that could go wrong’. And the responses, featuring the various characteristics of the typical Nigerian existence (from corruption to police brutality, party politics, and so on), could not have been more spot-on.

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From Our Allies

Happy 21st birthday, Democracy

Speaking of institutional nonsense, you remember how one of the first things you established was a reformed Nigeria? Ha! Good old days. A Nigeria with a doomed legislative building, sorry domed building called the National Assembly where family reunion is held every now and then between former khaki boys, holders of umbrellas, holders of circled stars (which today is a luxurious broom), and other distant cousins.

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Lamentations of an Egbere

Sleep comfortably, sweet corruption!

This year’s 29th day of May is significant as it is on this day five years ago that Buhari declared the mother of all wars on corruption. His acceptance speech on that historic day in May 2015 marked the gradual death of Corruption. The story was told of how Mr Corruption could not withstand the superior firepower of Buhari’s highly motivated anti-corruption soldiers.

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Unseriously Serious

How to get away with (extrajudicial) murder in Nigeria: A beginner’s guide

How fortunate one must feel to be a Nigerian, to come from a country where absolute freedom is not a myth and impunity reigns supreme. When a great man (we are not sure which one) famously proclaimed that “your liberty to swing your fist ends just where my nose begins,” he certainly had not heard about the wonderful country called Nigeria. He, especially, betrayed his ignorance of that special creature known as the Nigerian Policeman or the Nigerian Soldier for whom the liberty to swing their fists ends wherever the fists end. Full stop.

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From Our Allies

The Nigerian dream

If you intend to have one child, I am sorry to announce that you are falling short of the Nigerian dream. Or tell me, who are you planning to emulate in your family? Now, change that orientation, you must have at least three children: Doctor, Engineer and Lawyer. The advantages of having more than three far outweigh having less. SARS might kill one or two for dressing too fine in Lagos, remember? Kidnappers might abduct and kill one or two if they are in the north. And there’s the killer herdsmen, Boko Haram terrorists, and so on.

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From Our Allies

Exploits of the legendary John Wike

This is a man took it upon himself to relieve his law enforcement agencies of their duty so that he can monitor the compliance of the people of Rivers state to his stay-at-home orders. This is a man who abandoned the coveted pleasure of his home and family to embrace the cold heat of the PH streets just so he could flank down people to say, “Hi, how Corona be for your side?”

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