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From Our Allies

Nigerians’ letter to daddy and mummy 

On behalf of every Nigerian, we want to say thank you to our Daddy and Mummy—UK and US—on whose shoulder we will always stand until we’re old enough to be truly independent. It’s not that we’re that reckless to get out acts together, we are just being subservient to our father and mother. Only a bastard child will not heed to his parents’ instructions. Nigeria will never be one.

Prize for Satire

How to gain the ‘yahoo boy’ tag 

You have to identify as Nigerian. Nigerian Prince is not synonymous with internet fraud for no reason. Internet fraud is a divine talent that mostly Nigerian young men can display. If you think it is a lie, remember what happened in 2019, when the US authorities announced charges against 80 people for an internet scam and money laundering of over $46 million. Weren’t 77 of the indicted people Nigerians?

Prize for Satire

Masterclass: How to become a Nigerian society 

We like to tell ourselves that Nigeria is a beautiful country. This is notwithstanding the deaths, kidnappings, robberies, terrorist attacks, fraud that take place almost on a daily basis. We insist on using ‘beautiful’ as though the glaring blemishes are simply beauty marks. What I particularly love about Nigeria however, is her people. They are exceptional in many ways. So if you’re interested in learning how to fully become part of a Nigerian society or you have doubts as to the kind of Nigerian society you’re already part of, you are in luck. I’m here for you.

Prize for Satire

You have political ambition? What’s next 

It is a good thing that you made the wise choice of reaching out to me before embarking on your political career. You see, many a well-meaning Nigerian delved into Nigerian politics without full consultations with people who have spent years studying politricks in Nigeria – and it ended in tears for them. Thank you for contacting me, learned Olawale Godwin.

Prize for Satire

Mr Integrity 

You lie alone awake on your exotic bed that is of a standard football pitch in size; that is said to be the finest from Milan, and is said to be lesser than a feather in weight when you sleep on it. But it always feels like a rock every morning you wake alone on it, especially since you mistakenly relegate your wife to the kitchen and other rooms in the village when gibbering with some of your distant friends and it gets to your her hearing. You miss her cuddling every night and wish she will forgive you in the privacy of your bedroom without demanding that you bend a knee for her in public over your unruly remark about her in public.

Prize for Satire

Ugly God 

God comes to our house one dusty evening and tells us in a deep baritone that my father will have a car. A red car, precisely. The colour of Jesus’ blood. We say amen until we feel a scratch behind our throats. God, a lanky un-bearded bald man in a shiny white cassock, adds with the fervency of the Holy Ghost that we should expect the car in three days.

Prize for Satire

The Nigerian handbook on how to get a man 

Hello there. If you are reading this, you are either a desperate Nigerian woman in need of professional advice on how to secure a man or a Nigerian man who would like to understand women and why they do what they do. For those who fall under the former category, it is expected that you discard all prior knowledge you have about getting a man seeing as it didn’t get you anywhere, no offence.

Prize for Satire

Ubuntu; I am because you are! 

God dey hear, one very commendable lifestyle in Nigeria is being your neighbours’ keeper and relatives’ caregivers. It doesn’t matter if it sits well with you, you have to religiously look out for those who are fortunate enough to know you. The beauty of this is that, when Nigeria happens to you — as it is certain it would — you get a return of your gesture in multiple folds. Beyond this, however, is the Ubuntu philosophy of life in Nigeria.