‘How do we survive for four years if we don’t sell our votes?!’
“Take for instance, the last time we had an election. My family was given two bags full of Kuli Kuli and Garri to Vote for Party A. On the election day, party B offered us a cylinder full of groundnut and some bags of Garri. That is what we have been eating for the past 4 years. And it only finished just yesterday, this yesterday”.
Prayer points will now count as votes, INEC tells voters who won’t come out to vote
ABUJA — In case you have the plan to stay at home in the coming elections without voting, then you just got a boost because, other things than votes casted…
INVESTIGATION: How APC, PDP “rent crowd” to fill up campaign venues
The huge turnout of crowd in the recent campaigns by Nigeria’s major political parties is part of the deal struck with a mobilization company, this newspaper can authoritatively report. Disguising…
Nigeria’s potholes experience calculated massacre as election season approaches
Though the rising level of infrastructural development or seeming development is a national phenomenon, The T.A. Report gathers that Lagos State is an exception. It is reported that capital-intensive projects in the Centre of Excellence currently suffer unusual neglect as the governor, Akinwunmi Ambode, has abandoned office for a more pragmatic role of “APC campaign rally strategist and bench-warmer”.
Giant Abuja broom wins Guinness World Record for ‘stupidest campaign object’
“We would normally expect that it takes decades before this record is broken in another political campaign. But, with the level of passionate competitiveness observable in Nigeria’s politics, we suppose anything really is possible. Giant squirrels, chickens, trees, and so on, we never can tell.”
Why campaign rallies are the best thing after Agege bread
There is nothing the pot-bellied politician would not do to convince the commoner that he is part of the everyday realities. He would sing all kinds of songs, speak all kinds of tongues, pray in the name of all kinds of gods, and dance, in a most awkward manner, all kinds of moves — especially the latest in town. All this time, we the people, the spectators on these days and all others, get freely entertained.
How Kano will deliver 5 million votes to Buhari — Ganduje
Kano — Perhaps to shut the moving lips of doubters and members of the opposition party, the governor of Kano state, Abdullahi Ganduje, has revealed how he will deliver 5 million…
Should corrupt Nigerian leaders be publicly executed?│Tunde Odesola
Passengers bolted after the bus like male monkeys on heat chasing after females to unleash testosterone. Some passengers dived in through the door, some jumped in through the window, some got in through the driver’s doorless compartment; gaining entry into the ‘Molue’ is much more difficult than the Power Holding Company of Nigeria providing electricity for 30 minutes nonstop.
THROWBACK: How to celebrate in dependence│Elnathan John
My dear, I think we should begin by thanking the United Kingdom. For keeping you safe. For helping you recover. For always being there when you need a doctor, a hospital, when you needed some rest, when you needed to park a plane and when nosy Nigerians decided it was their business what exactly you were spending money treating.
The plan was to invite Nigerian, not Nigerien, governors — aide
The senior official, who pleaded for his identity not to be disclosed for fear of “being fed to the EFCC like Babachir for political gains”, said the official explanation that they came to understudy President Muhammadu Buhari’s style was mere damage control.
‘How would students come for our rallies if we called off ASUU strike?’ Buhari asks
“So we urge members of ASUU to be patient with us; and also our l-l-aa- …., sorry, hardworking youth. If we still have enough money left in the treasury after the campaigns, we will definitely give priority to the schools.”
We have two and a half, not three, arms of government—Nigeria’s AGF clarifies
“Any law that is in force has to first be reviewed and signed by the president. That’s how it works; and the National Assembly has yet to transmit this so-called 1999 Constitution. For now, Mr President is applying the set of laws he used as head of state in the 1980s, at least pending the time the lawmakers send an update,” the A.G. added.
How not to win elections in Nigeria—for dummies
Compressed into this short listicle is over twenty years of research conducted by experts in various fields. By Jove, losing an election has never been this easy — but please be warned that the principles presented here are not universally applicable. They have only been tested and trusted as far as politics in Nigeria is concerned, and analysts predict that they will remain valid for at least another dozen years.
In his grave, Abacha turns in envy as Buhari suspends CJN
“My guess is that it has to do with General Buhari’s latest move, removing Walter Onnoghen as the Chief Justice of Nigeria and replacing him with Tanko. Baba would have been high on envy, considering that, with all his powers as a military head of state back then, the judiciary was still largely independent.”
Honouring those who deserve some accolades in 2018
Yesterday, 2018 held sway. But as of now, the defunct 2018 has left the pitch of existence for 2019 on a high. Many personalities have made its coming and leaving…
Deputy Priestess, Olori Odo and the politics of signature
By: Atiku Buhari PRELUDE Gone are those days when the Coven of Elere could get the signature of their Deputy Priest (an Islamic Sheik) on the road, in the toilet…