Punocracy

… where sa-tyres never go flat

Press Release

Punocracy holds first Prize for Satire award ceremony, declares Nov. 9 World Satire Day

“We could easily tell you that according to history books, November 9, 1989, was when East Germany denounced the Berlin Wall after which German citizens tore it down, and how we want the day to fit into this narrative of freedom and absence of censorship. Or we could tell you that November 9 (11/9) is actually an inversion of 9/11 and tie this to how there are always alternative, civilised ways of venting grievances … But the truth is it is just a convenient date for us.”

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From Our Allies

Ganduje monopolises corruption in Kano, brags of PhD in Pocketing Dollars

“Let me state clearly without any equivocation that anyone of you who engages in corrupt practices will be thrown out of office. There can’t be two kings in a kingdom. I have made frantic efforts to reach the zenith in corrupt and shady dealings; particularly, in pocketing dollars. Therefore, I urge you all to accord me the exclusive right as the Sarkin Dollars of Nigeria,” he said.

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The Village People's Dictionary

The VP’s Dictionary: Activist, constituted authority, corruption, and 22 other words

Collins Dictionary, for instance, defines a road as “a long piece of hard ground which is built between two places so that people can drive or ride easily from one place to the other”. That’s correct you know—but only as long as you don’t import that understanding to Nigeria. Things are much different here… So different we’d need the entire dictionary rewritten to suit our realities. Here, a road would be more appropriately defined as “a warzone where potholes are mines, shock absorbers are shields, curses are bullets—and from which every soldier returns home a casualty”.

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From Our Allies

The parable of the pothole

As the driver approached it, the pothole cried out with a loud voice, “Who are you, driver?” Our driver responded as fast as the economic growth rate of Nigeria with, “I am Muhammed from Bornu state.” To my amazement, the pothole closed up leaving us with a smooth road to drive through. I asked the driver what just happened, he said, “Walahi, it’s because I’m from Bornu. What affects other Nigerians doesn’t affect us. Some basic problems other people encounter don’t come near us.”

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The T.A. Report

Nigerian first lady teaches pupils to wash their hands using ‘ultramodern’ technology

“It is less stressful than what we are used to in cities across the country,” she added. “All you have to do is step out from the comfort of your classrooms into the sun, place your foot on the pedal to tilt the keg of water, and lean forward to rinse your hands vigorously, ensuring your legs are balanced and upright the entire time but your trunk is bent at an angle of about 45 degrees. And then, you refill the keg from the well as soon as the water is exhausted while making sure the pointed sticks don’t pierce your skin.”

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