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The T.A. Report

Buhairy buys new toilet called ‘Rule of Law’, says he enjoys shitting on it

Buhairy buys new toilet called ‘Rule of Law’, says he enjoys shitting on it

ASO ROCK (The T.A. Report) ― Ruler of Nigeria, President Mahmud Buhairy, has picked up a new hobby of shitting regularly and delightfully on the “Rule of Law”, which his aides say is the name of a water closet that has recently been ordered from China.

Explaining the president’s strange toilet hobbies to the T.A. Report, presidential spokesman Garuba Shior said, since the new acquisition, Buhairy has spent more time in the restroom than he has in his office or even his (otherwise highly cherished) other room.

“Every year, Mr President buys toilets that go by many strange names,” Shior explained. “One time, he bought a big one from Greece called Economy. At another period during his first term, he ordered one from Singapore that was named Freedom of Expression and another one from the United Kingdom with Nigerian Healthcare written boldly on it.”

“But since he bought this one labelled Rule of Law, he’s told me he didn’t know taking a dump could be so pleasurable,” the Special Adviser to the President chuckled, reflexively placing his palm over his lips as if he had just remembered his comments could be considered hate speech.

The only other people with access to Buhairy’s odd restroom are top officials of the Department of State Savages (DSS), who help arrest the situation when things don’t exactly go according to plan, one source at the statehouse told our correspondent.

“It’s been rumoured especially among the DSS operatives whose job it is to clean up after the president that he reserves his stinkiest, most tremendous shit for the Rule of Law,” the source said.

“When he’s using the toilet, he does so with so much relish and good grace you’d think he was an Olympic gold medalist in Shitting on Things You Don’t Give a Shit About.”

Several statehouse employees say the water closet might have already started having cracks due to extended use.

“Only God knows where he’ll decide to be evacuating his bowels once the Rule of Law is damaged beyond repair,” one wondered. “An aide close to the president said, only a few days ago, he saw him casually placing an order for a Lives and Properties water closet on AliExpress.”

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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Samuel Ojo
Samuel Ojo
3 years ago

Next time, kindly don’t crop out my signature. That’s the least you could do.

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