The Village People's Dictionary

The VP’s Dictionary: Activist, constituted authority, corruption, and 22 other words 

Collins Dictionary, for instance, defines a road as “a long piece of hard ground which is built between two places so that people can drive or ride easily from one place to the other”. That’s correct you know—but only as long as you don’t import that understanding to Nigeria. Things are much different here… So different we’d need the entire dictionary rewritten to suit our realities. Here, a road would be more appropriately defined as “a warzone where potholes are mines, shock absorbers are shields, curses are bullets—and from which every soldier returns home a casualty”.

The T.A. Report

Nigerian first lady teaches pupils to wash their hands using ‘ultramodern’ technology 

“It is less stressful than what we are used to in cities across the country,” she added. “All you have to do is step out from the comfort of your classrooms into the sun, place your foot on the pedal to tilt the keg of water, and lean forward to rinse your hands vigorously, ensuring your legs are balanced and upright the entire time but your trunk is bent at an angle of about 45 degrees. And then, you refill the keg from the well as soon as the water is exhausted while making sure the pointed sticks don’t pierce your skin.”

Unseriously Serious

The discovery of ‘Nobody Holy’: A previously untold story 

Some say the it was forged by an ancient sorcerer out of the last remnants of icing on ‘Geria’s national cake at the point where River Niger meets River Benue. Others say it was birthed after a rare intercourse between a Marlian and a Tacha Stan. But regardless of what version is true, ‘Nobody Holy’ made its way to the hearts and tongue of all ‘Gerians, old and young, male and female, and everyone in-between. And that was when things started to fall apart.

Copyright: Adeeko Olusegun
Unseriously Serious

The Nigerian government’s guide to road maintenance 

There are some silly countries, such as Canada, that have created online forms and helplines just for people to complain about potholes. Every year, the city of Toronto alone spends millions of dollars repairing hundreds of thousands of potholes and then—wait for it—also gives progress reports to the people about how many potholes they’ve massacred. Who does that? Aren’t they aware that potholes are citizens with fundamental human rights? Don’t they know they are a necessary evil that deserve to be treated with love, care, and respect?

Unseriously Serious

Putting an end to xenophobic attacks—Nigerian style! 

First, have shitty embassies. You know, embassies that don’t make noise; embassies that like keeping things lowkey, especially when the ordinary Nigerian is under threat. What is a travel advisory? That strange concept should have no place in your dictionary. Your country already has one of the world’s largest populations and your citizens are everywhere, strutting like they own the planet together with all its continents and crannies. Of course, the last thing you want to do is further amplify your presence with some embassy or high commission that promptly speaks out for its people.