ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― The Nigerian Army has announced that soldiers who lament about working conditions in the course of fighting terrorism and banditry will henceforth be subjected to mental health screening and counselling.

It said in a press statement, obtained by The T.A. Report and reinterpreted here, that unpatriotic and uncomplimentary remarks from army officials are nothing but signs of “mental snap and distress occasioned by the fog of war”.

“Because we have the interest of our gallant soldiers at heart, we cannot stand by and watch their mental health deteriorate as a result of the stress and trauma that accompanies war efforts,” said Tukur Burantashi, the Chief of Army Staff.

“It is unheard of that, after years of training in discipline, self-restraint, self-sacrifice, and blind following, officials of the army will still speak against the army leadership. There can be no explanation for such irrational behaviour other than delirium and potential mental disorder.”

Burantashi added that his jaws nearly fell off when he saw a video circulating on social media where soldiers, instead of trending #ThankYouBuratai, were busy laying curses on him like they were medals.

“What else do they want?” he asked.

“We have already empowered them with contemporary skills in spiritual warfare. We pray for them on a weekly basis. We also allow them to vent their anger and frustration on civilians as they please. Is it until we give them state-of-the-art equipment, provide standard incentives, and follow them to the battleground that they know our hearts are with them? Let’s be reasonable, please.”

This paper gathered that the Nigerian Army’s new tactic was received with cheers and admiration at the presidency, which is now considering replicating it in other sectors.

“The president thinks it is insane for any Nigerian not to be pleased with the gifts he has been giving them in the form of palliatives, bridges, some electricity, and free food,” one source close to the restructured kitchen cabinet told our correspondent.

“Just like drunk drivers, those who expressly complain after all the federal government has been doing may soon have to go through compulsory health checks. We can’t have mentally ill people roaming the streets of this sane country.”

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.