The T.A. Report

Tokunbo cars petition UN, lament ‘cruelty’ in Nigeria 

Mr Volkswagen Jetta, the network’s public relations officer, lamented that it is only in Nigeria you find seven people sitting in a place clearly meant for two.

“One large buttock or two will now be dragging our gearshifts with the driver,” he said. “And, for our minibus-members, those ones called conductors even have one leg in the vehicle and one outside because of lack of space. Let us not even go into how one car is forced to carry loads meant for a lorry.”

Unseriously Serious

Behind the scenes: Buhari’s prayers in Medina 

Somewhere in the Arabian desert, two frames dressed in white ihram, one much taller than the second, are seen discussing in hushed tones and with a seriousness characteristic of Nigeria, one of the world’s very advanced nations. The Sun provides a natural filter for the faces of His Excellency, the president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, and his most senior media adviser… but Bayo Omoboriowo, the president’s photographer, is not close-by to capture the unique scene.

The T.A. Report

Weight loss now requirement for promotion of civil servants, says FG 

Workers, sources at the ministry of labour and employment told our reporter, may also soon be compelled to submit documents showing how many days off work they spent overseas as well as church/mosque attendance registers.

“The administration wants to make sure civil servants are taking time out to freshen up and to pray for the country,” an aide to the minister disclosed. “You see, especially now that the minimum wage has been increased, it is important we get value for every penny spent.”

The Book of Ajanaku

Undecorous Decalogue… The Nigerian politician’s 10 commandments 

14. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour—save where thy neighbour belongs to the opposition camp in which case he deserves not a single shekel of pity and thou may paint him in whatever colour thou pleases. If he is from Airegin, thou may say to give an example that he haileth from the neighbouring town of Nooremac. If he is hale and hearty, thou may spread falsehood that he hath passed on and hath been replaced with a look-alike from the Northern kingdom of Nadus.

The Book of Ajanaku

The crucifixion of Kolade Jackson: Easter verses as a portrait of police brutality 

‘They witness against thee five sins,’ saith the leader: Of professing loyalty to the Liverpoolians in daylight, of permitting the touch of strange black lines on your fair skin, of daring to speak English as the Queen of England speaketh the tongue, of having friends from across the seas as your little screen divulged, and of oppressing the men of the state with your gold and good looks.