ENUGU (The T.A. Report) ― The first lady of Enugu State, Monica Ugwuanyi, has been sighted using a state-of-the-art facility to demonstrate contactless hand-washing to young secondary school students in celebration of the 2019 Global Hand-Washing Day.

The equipment, which sources say should cost no less than N150 million, is made up of two sturdy pieces of wood, placed parallel to each other and one stick strategically situated perpendicular to them. It boasts of a white made-in-Turkey 10-litre plastic keg linked to a user-friendly pedal about one metre in length. There is also a sizeable chunk of soap attached to it for multi-purpose use as well as cement debris scattered below it in a calculated manner to prevent soil erosion.

“This is indeed an ultra-modern facility befitting of our state,” Mrs Ugwuanyi was reported to have bragged at the event organised by her NGO, the Ugo’s Touch of Life Foundation.

She said there are plans to produce more of the prototype and distribute to schools and hospitals across the state. An updated version that will be suitable for use by people with disabilities is likewise currently being developed, she enthused.

“It is less stressful than what we are used to in cities across the country,” she added. “All you have to do is step out from the comfort of your classrooms into the sun, place your foot on the pedal to tilt the keg of water, and lean forward to rinse your hands vigorously, ensuring your legs are balanced and upright the entire time but your trunk is bent at an angle of about 45 degrees. And then, you refill the keg from the well as soon as the water is exhausted while making sure the pointed sticks don’t pierce your skin.”

Asked by one of the students if the state government house will be housing similar hand-washing equipment soon, Mrs Ugwuanyi chuckled and said her husband will definitely give it a thought.

Not much is known about our darling first lady, except that, with her technologically advanced prayers and affection for the downtrodden, she is partly responsible for the unprecedented peace and development in Enugu State.

Read this almost-satirical profile of her by Chibuzor Anichukwu, wife of the Special Adviser (Media) to the Deputy President of the Senate:

Coming to power with a promise to provide godly and humane leadership to the good people of Enugu State, Governor Ifeanyi Ugwuanyi had gone further to dedicate the state to God. In the face of dwindling federal allocation and recession, the governor also affirmed his belief in the miracle of five loaves and two fish. 

“Building on this foundation, Mrs. Ugwuanyi took it upon herself to run with the task of recommitting Enugu into God’s hands on the 9th day of every month on the platform of the Enugu State Women Prayer Network. The result is that Enugu has been variously rated as one of the most peaceful and secured states in Nigeria. Also, whereas richer states lament of unable [sic.] to pay their workers and say there is a casting down, Enugu State has continued to witness a lifting up. Now Enugu is not only among the few that pay workers regularly, development projects are going on in every part of the State.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.