ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― The Nigeria Police Public Relations Officer, Frank Mba, during a press briefing on Saturday declared immorality the greatest form of insecurity facing the country, which is now free of all typical forms of violence and unrest, including terrorism, robberies, kidnappings, and communal clashes.
He explained that this is the background to the invasion of the birthday of Idris Okuneye, popular crossdresser more commonly known as Bobrisky.
“Now that the country is free from the old forms of insecurity that have distracted us for far too long, we are delighted to announce that our focus has now been shifted to the more important things… you know, like minority sexual orientations and what people do to their bodies,” he said.
“Of course, we would not have achieved this milestone without the help of the Next Level administration of President Muhammadu Buhari, which has promised to raise our salaries by 0.5 per cent in addition to the new minimum wage and also buy new ammunition for our men.
“Er, by ‘new’ I mean guns that are no more than 50 years old,” he added, after a light cough.
“Yesterday’s invasion, which is the first phase of what we’ve tagged ‘Operation Risky Bob’, was no doubt successful as we prevented the commission of ungodly atrocities on our soil. I mean, what insecurity could be greater than not feeling secure with the gender your wise parents gave you?” the PPRO asked, as some policemen and journalists nodded in approval.
“As we enter into this new era of policing, we urge Nigerians to always inform us if they see anything fishy in their environment — such as two consenting adults having sex in a way the govt. doesn’t approve of or naked women dancing in public.”
Mba said the police has decided to relocate its command centre in Borno State to Lagos, which it’s enormous intelligence indicates to be the most immoral, insecure place in the country. “But we’re still waiting for President Buhari to approve this,” he said.
Reliable sources in the Nigeria Police say it’s likely the force will soon be rebranded to suit the new objectives.
“Though we already have a Ministry of Police Affairs, which sorta links policing to ministering, many police chiefs say this is not enough,” one source informed our correspondent.
“Soon, we may have the force rechristened to become ‘God First and God Alone Police of Nigeria’ or the ‘Nigeria Police Force for Good and not for Evil’.”
Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.