ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― In what has been touted a never-before-seen shift in economic policy, the Central Bank of Nigeria has announced that the naira will soon be out of circulation to pave the way for a new mode of making payment: “long legs”.
Isaac Okorafor, the apex bank’s spokesperson, made the historic announcement on Saturday, describing the policy shift as groundbreaking and long-overdue.
“The naira is fast becoming not only unfashionable but also an embarrassment,” Okorafor wrote in a press statement signed by the CBN Governor, Godwin Emefiele, and Chief of Staff Abba Kyari. “The economic recession we faced and an all-time high inflation rate figures have made our currency the laughing stock of all countries, including even Ghana and the Republic of Benin. We can’t have that.”
“We naturally figured it’s high time we tried out something totally different, something truly Nigerian,” he continued. “Our 20-man-2-woman high-level committee reached a unanimous decision that the country should look inward for a solution.
“People already use long legs to technically make payments for services. It’s done in schools, at hospitals, on the highway, even in churches, and so on. So we said, ‘Hey; why not just make this thing official?'”
Okorafor clarified that the long legs the bank is referring to are not those of a tall woman used to prey on unsuspecting victims, but the local slang used by Nigerians to refer to extraordinary privileges and favouritism, also popularly known as “connection”.
“We will, as from January next year, have two currencies: long legs, the new naira, and short legs, the new kobo. We’re really excited to see this take off.”
It is not clear yet what form this new payment is going to take, but the bank says it won’t be losing focus on its controversial cashless policy and will be taxing every transaction. It is hopeful the new policy will bridge the gap between the rich and poor, since emphasis will no longer be on how much you have but who you know.
“It will also improve networking and bonding among Nigerians,” CBN’s spokesperson enthused. “It might even put an end to ethnic rivalry and the farmer-herdsmen clashes.”
The only challenge currently being sorted out is exactly how to quantify the new legal tender.
Right now, estimates from experts state that, for example, 50 short legs can get you a stranger’s phone number, and 5 long legs can get you free entrance into a concert or pass on the express though without up-to-date papers. 10 long legs should be able to get a student admission into any public school, and with 200 long legs, it doesn’t matter how badly behaved you are or where you get evicted from, Nigerians will proclaim love for you and even raise money on your behalf.
“There’s simply no limits to its application,” the CBN said. “It is revolutionary and forward-thinking. And the best part is it’s the first advancement we’ll be having before Egypt, South Africa, and even the United States.”
Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.