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The T.A. Report

As healing powers take a break, famous Nigerian pastor settles for conspiracy theories

As healing powers take a break, famous Nigerian pastor settles for conspiracy theories

LAGOS (The T.A. Report) ― Famous half-Indian, half-Nigerian pastor, Kiris Kilomue (read with Yoruba intonation: mi mi mi re), has discovered a brilliant way to remain in business, this newspaper has learnt, and that happens to be the age-old lucrative trick known as conspiracy theories.

We gathered that the outbreak of conoravirus and eventual lockdown appear to have also affected the Lord’s Embassy, which has since closed to requests for miraculous healing in compliance with the World Health Organisation’s stay-at-home policy.

Thankfully, God’s plan for (the) man (of God) is to prosper and not to harm him (with viral poverty) and to give him hope and a future.

This hope for continued prosperity came in the form of a powerful revelation: Nine seemingly disconnected words (NWO, ID2020, Vaccine, IoT, 5G, Embrace, Pandemic, Covd-19, and Fear) linked with nine seemingly innocent lines.

Breaking down the well-researched chart, he explained that the signals from the 5G produce a sickening effect that would make people want vaccines and, eventually, the New World Order overseen by the Biblical Thannos, Antichrist.

“What is making a lot of people sick?” he asked as if people did not already know it was 5G all along.

“This is happening to them,” he confirmed. “No one is doing any research. No one cares. The politicians don’t know. They’re embracing the idea.”

Reading from a news website about the ID2020 Alliance identification project, he said, “This post was updated at 4:58pm on March 26, 2020 to clarify that the program is intended to allow people to receive vaccination and prove they have received it, not to track individuals, as claimed by some conspiracy theorists.”

“That’s a lie,” he quickly added, “it is to track individuals.”

A reliable source informed our correspondent that man did not reveal this to Pastor Kilomue, but his father in the heavens.

Meanwhile, it is worthy of note that conspiracy theories, according to the Encyclopedia Commonsensica, are a type of optical illusion created through the mixture of a few ounces of facts with truckloads of rubbish for the purpose of making the proponent seem way smarter than they really are.

It has been suggested in some quarters that the clergyman’s strange outbursts might be as a result of an ill-advised change in hair relaxer.

Whatever the causative agent of this affliction is, however, The T.A. Report hereby sends love and light to the Kilomue family and wishes its breadwinner swift recovery.

We also extend our thought of comfort and condolences to former Senator Di-dn’t-no Me-lo-laye (again, read with Yoruba intonation) who has been receiving imaginary calls from the abroad warning him about his crusade against the deadly 5G technology.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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