Prize for Satire

How to be a Nigerian parent 

Now that you are a parent, discard every pet name you called your spouse before the arrival of your first child. How can you be calling your husband by his first name after you have made him a father? Do you want people to question the paternity of the child? Daddy Bola would be better.

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Danfo: What it is 

A Danfo is a clumsy tailored commercial shuttle popularly identified by its yellow Colour and black stripes. It is widely associated with Lagos, a cosmopolitan city and it ranges from four seaters to six seaters depending on the size of the bus.

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Being a virtuous lady 

“A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word [“accomplished”]; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions or the word will be but half-deserved.”

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The legal way to do yahoo yahoo in Nigeria 

Before you start jotting things down, understand that when I am talking about Yahoo Yahoo in Nigeria, I am not talking about the riff-raffs who depend on $25 iTunes or Amazon gift cards from one John Doe in Casablanca or those who use $1 million to buy a Morris Minor – one car like that from the future. I am also not talking about the ones who end up in the garden of SARS and bribe their way out with N10,000. Never, not those small fishes wriggling in the ocean.

Prize for Satire

Achieving success as a Nigerian musician: A practical guide on how to blow 

Before we begin, I will like to congratulate you for being a man; be thankful to nature for this blessing. If you aren’t a man, either gear up for constant sidelining or check your dreams for Plan B — unless you don’t mind wearing gold chains, sunshades, do-rags and denim every day. You know, fake it till you make it. Even then, you’d still have a slim chance, because Nigerians made a groundbreaking discovery that having tiny bonus brains lodged within each testicle improves creativity.