Punocracy

… where sa-tyres never go flat

Press Release

LMAO

LMAO

by: Funminiyi Akinrinade

LMAO. You may not be far from the truth if you read this in Broda Shaggi’s voice. You may wonder why I began my message to you with “LMAO”; no worries, I can feel your wandering minds from afar. It is not like you are a joke to me, even though sometimes you can be. It is the state of your country that is making me laugh. I can read your mind. You wanted to ask me what I meant by “your country.” Like, are we not in the same country? Well, you may not be far from the truth. In the real sense, I am in your country, but I’m not there, if you know what that means.

You may wonder if I have lost my mind. Like, abi this one dey craze ni? Is he blind not to see the brouhaha happening in the country? Don’t be surprised that I can read your mind. Still, I cannot help but laugh. I owe nobody my laughter, the same way your country doesn’t owe you peace of mind. You should learn the language of laughter too. You know, it can be therapeutic.

Sometimes, you humans irk me. You point accusing fingers at everything. You blame everyone for your country’s state. To even imagine that you don’t spare your politicians. Are your people in power messiahs? Did they drag you with a rope around your neck to the polling units where you voted for them? LMAO. The majority of you even beg your government for virtually everything. You beg them to do things right; you beg them to do the right thing. You beg for jobs, electricity, clean water, food, strike-free education, tarred roads, security, and the list goes on and on. Beggie beggie citizens! You may start begging your government for the air you breathe in. 

Last month, my eyes caught a headline: “Bandits attacked Borno mosque, killed the Chief Imam and three others.” And what did you do? As expected, you took your rant to social media—the seat of government of your time. LMAO. And what happened after a week of trending hashtags? Silence. Laughter. What happens to each person owning a gun? What happens to an Alfa holding a gun in the mosque while his head hits the praying mat? What happens to a pastor placing a shotgun on the pulpit while he preaches? But hell, no.

You want your government to provide you with 247 security. You even want your government to hold guns and RPGs. What happens to you honouring those in positions of authority? And if you ask me, what about the men in khaki? Like, isn’t their job to protect life and property? You may not be far from the truth. However, that reminds me of a headline my eyes caught a year ago: “Bandits kidnap two Nigerian soldiers on a major road in Borno.” Even your supposed security needs to be secured. LMAO.

Again, I read that your government and ASUU are in a tug of war, and your students are watching the battlefield from afar, speechless and helpless. LMAO. I mean, I find it funny. Should you embark on an indefinite strike because your governments aren’t meeting your demands? What happens to imparting knowledge to the coming generation and reaping your rewards in heaven? Or is heaven no longer the goal? LMAO. Your students are now into speakable and unspeakable businesses: CEO of Arike Store, Founder of Cryptomania, Prince of Cashapp, and Emi Oga of the Yahoo dynasty. You see what your students have become, yet enjoy the long strike.

Another piece of news caught my eye. Don’t blame me for seeing all these. I blame you for not coming to the rescue. I read that your country’s national grid collapsed for the seventh time last month, all in one year. LMAO. I find it laughable, you know. What is funnier is the fact that you blamed your government for this. Like, really? What happens to each household contributing a certain amount to support your government? But no. You all are national greed. You are after feeding your belly, sitting with your legs crossed on your chair, and blaming your government for what you could have done.

Sometimes, you humans irk me, and you need to do better and become more responsible. If not, nothing will stop me from laughing at your predicament, not even you reading you.

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The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

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Anonymous
Anonymous
1 year ago

This is so beautiful and relatable. The way we Nigerians expect our governments to do all the work without lifting a finger. God will help us.

Oketokun Abayomi
1 year ago

Beautifully knitted!
LMAO

Toovia
1 year ago

The humour, sarcasm and relatable scenarios really got me.

This is no doubt a beautiful and well detailed piece.
Well done, brother.

Charles Nnanna
1 year ago

“To even imagine that you don’t spare your politicians.” this is just wickedly witty. ? And from this point it’s an intellectually seductive roller-coaster to the very last word.

How you passed the passage that power ultimately belonged to the people (at elections) without telling them to actually stop holding the leaders accountable is witty. It appeared you were ‘scolding’ Nigerians and telling them to cease blaming the government, but really it was the opposite; although they would have to elect leaders they’d have access to, and can hold accountable.

Awesome work!

Anonymous
Anonymous
1 year ago

Took us on a journey! It was timely. The truth wasn’t far fetched. Yet, I lmao-ed throughout my read

Wasiu Quadri
Wasiu Quadri
1 year ago

Very apt! LMAO ?, ‘They’ are ‘national greed’s.

MD
MD
1 year ago

“LMAO. You may not be far from the truth if you read this in Broda Shaggi’s voice.” And then I went ahead, read it in Broda Shaggi’s voice.???? The way you stitched sarcasm and into this satire ehn… I just dey laugh Nigerians true true. I don’t know why I kept saying ‘no be una fault?’ as I read on.
The most touching part is that all the things mentioned here are things we’ve witnessed… may God help this Nigeria sha.

Charles Akinrinade
Charles Akinrinade
1 year ago

This piece is tragicomic…..it’s the same mindset we approached God with, to do what we can do…….same with take to our government…….yet we don’t want them to call us lazy…….it remains…them vs US…

Ayoola
Ayoola
1 year ago

The work is an interesting wordings of sarcasm here and there. I love the topic of taking responsibility. However, the writer should also in a more subtle way tell us how we can do better as well

Anonymous
Anonymous
1 year ago

Nice work dear…..
But then how do we take responsibility alone without the involvement of the government?
And another thing is this….our youths should vote right!!!
We all have the opportunity to get things back in other next year if we vote right please ? we shouldn’t let the present condition take out the rightful thinking capability in us
The future is what counts
Not now…. after now what happens to the future??

Sugarr!
Sugarr!
1 year ago

Excellent work, Funmi of the LMAO Dynasty.

Staucnh
Staucnh
1 year ago

Sighs!

Another brilliant work of art from king of LMAO.

I love the smooth transitional words. The pun intended and relevant FOS.

Come to think of it, Social Media is indeed the seat of democratic system of government in this era. After weeks or months of rigorous hashtags, eveyone paddle their canoe again. Bayelsa Flood few weeks back claimed many lives, properties and what have you. The Governor was seen dancing to a hip-hop song. LMAO indeed.

This country won’t end my life.

Ololade Edun
Ololade Edun
1 year ago

As expected of Funminiyi, his satire infuriates just as much as it soothes me with laughter. Oh good God! I swear, Nigeria is just as much a comical scene as it is a crime scene. Well done, Esv_Keks.

Anonymous
Anonymous
5 months ago

It’s a beautiful piece …a bit surprising too. Verry relatable too

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