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Prize for Satire

Dear Wazobia

Dear Wazobia

by: Chukwuma Chisom

Dear Wazobia, 

It is with great joy and pride of patriotic responsibility that I received your letter dated 28th of September, 2022 where you expressed your apparent thirsty for political participation. Well, I was not bewildered as many a youth of your generation seems to have waken up to participate in decision-making in the polity. Will I say a step in a right direction? Not so soon, time will tell. Pertinent to this letter is your request for my advice as you dive into the ocean of 2023 campaign. I will open up fully to share the best experience I have gathered over the years. 

First and foremost, there are three essential ingredients you need for this campaign. There are money, money and more money. It is the language of Nigerian politics. You must have bulk of it to disseminate at every segment of this campaign because it is the only manifesto the electorates want and even at the election day, that is the only motivator for people to come amass to vote. Be ready to pay for every support and endorsement you get as they say, nothing goes for nothing here. Well, don’t worry about the expensiveness of contesting election in our clan, my son, be motivated that a month revenue of one government agency can cover all these expenses. The DG of that agency only needs to come up with a well garnished cock and bull story of how ants swallowed it and that’s the end. 

Hire loud social media warriors. They are called e-rats whose sole responsibility is singing your praise on social media on how you are the best thing after sliced bread. They don’t necessary need to have voters’ cards, the most important thing is that they are ready to eat anybody who tries to question your candidacy raw. You also need an advanced team that will be carrying placards at the border of every community to welcome you, pretending to be from that community even when they don’t know the community name. They will also serve as guests in all the events you will attend, singing your praise and clapping before you even open your mouth. Is it not you again? The Cicero of Zaza. As a Christian, visit every church and indirectly tell them to vote their own. Then go to the Muslim communities and fabricate story on how your great grand father was the grand Imam of Mecca mosque, so you are one of their own. Go back to shrine, tell traditional worshippers how you were offered up to the gods at the age of one and that you still sacrifice cow for the gods annually. Always play an ethnic and religious card. Please, leave issue based campaign on how to tackle insecurity or economic crisis, that doesn’t sell here. Ethnicity and religion trump over security of lives and properties. Even when you have to campaign on that, make sure that it has no basics. You must be a chameleon changing to the color of any group you are meeting with. For instance, once you enter southern Nigeria, tell them that Nigeria needs restructuring which top your agenda. Immediately you see yourself in the North, tell them to hell with restructuring. 

Let me warn you. Avoid anything that has to do with intellectualism to avoid exposing how dumb you are. I know you have never been responsible in your life. You were academically poor. Your home are even been run by madam with little or no contribution from you. I am not trying to insult you but to make you see opportunities ahead that here we elect the worst among us to lead. Besides, is it not in this country that we preferred a candidate with debatable WAEC to a Ph.D. holder? Again, do not attend interview or accept any debate invitation. I told you hitherto that manifesto is not important but you need one. Just get 3 professors to write one for you. All those ravenous pressmen will be following you like birds to question the gut out of you, always refer them to your manifesto that you don’t even know what it encompasses. We have a lot of pseudo-intellectuals who will always insist we do it like the western world, you need the manifesto to massage their ego. Also, take one-hour course from HarvardX and start parading yourself as alumni of the prestige Harvard University afterward. This will project you as an intellectual. With these, you will surely become a household political gods in the mouth of many Nigeria. 

Tell stories that shows your humble beginning and how down to earth you are. Stories that your parents were paupers and could not feed your siblings, how you had no shoes for school which is the main reason you are contesting to end poverty. If you have held political office before, don’t forget to add icing to the cake by telling how you took gala and sachet water as lunch through out your stay as governor to save cost so you could be able to pay salaries. Touching stories of such have catapulted many to sit of power. 

Finally, two weeks before the election, meet with the leading candidate, collect money and negotiate appointment with him then go out, step down and endorse him telling your supporters that his/her experience is top-notch and you want to even learn from him. Congratulations, the gods of political strategies, you have just arrived in Nigerian politics. Incoming minister. It makes sense right?

Yours Politically,                                                                                                                            Wayaoma (GCON).                                                                                                                      Elder Statesman

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The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

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a girl named F
a girl named F
1 year ago

this was a good and a sadly true essay.

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