by: Oluwaseun Ojo

Ololade Asake, I am glad you are here. 

Would have written you a letter two market days ago to have heartily discussion with you, but Saamu, who helps with letters has not returned from hunting expedition. Head-master too went to visit his family in Lagos, would have solicited his assistance instead, and although you said most of his grammars are big for you. 

In all, I thank God you are here, talking face to face is nothing like through written words, especially when it comes to matter of this importance. 

You see, like I have always tell you, my words are like that of priests, they are from the mouths of gods. So, if I use my mouth cut colanut for you, you may choose not to eat it, but if I use it to advise you, it is best you take it. Your mother took it and she succeeds. 

Being a wife is not a small task, and as long as I live on earth, I won’t open my eyes allow bad insects enter it – I would continue feeding you with wise words so that you succeed like myself and your mother in your new home as a wife. Let’s not leave important points to discuss less important ones. 

‘Understood, mama’

Do House Chores Like a Slave

It’s your duty, not anyone else’s. Do it until your backbone cracks.

Asake, you must wake up earliest every morning to do the house chores; clean house and prepare sumptuous meal for your husband before he is awake. Always prepare his favourite or whatever he chooses to eat; I know you like your amala soft, if your husband doesn’t like it that way, you have to adjust. If he doesn’t like your favourite soup – isapa, don’t dare cook it, for our fathers say cooking a soup that the husband is allergic to is a taboo for a good wife. 

Boil water for his warm shower on cold mornings; wash and iron press his clothes. Don’t be lazy, a good wife is not a lazy type, you see how your mother is always working round the clock in your father’s house? Always make sure your husband feels comfortable even if it’s by inconveniencing yourself.

‘Mama what if I am pregnant and tired?’

Yes, especially when you are pregnant. You don’t want to give your husband weak kids right?

Don’t be like them, those shameless wives who have collected trousers from their husbands and give skirts instead. They make their husbands do house chores in the name of assistance and love. Kai! That’s not love, it is slavery. They have turned their husbands into wives. Their male kids will suffer for it. The gods are angry with them!

Your Appearance is meant to Please Him Alone

Look attractive for him and him alone, but not outside for any other man. Wear perfume and waist beads in the house; always wear extra-large buba while going out to properly cover your bosoms. Avoid like leper, going where men are, to avoid their lusty gaze. You have no business with opposite sex except your husband and families. Don’t talk about 2023 election or ASUU Strike with an Okada man or taxi driver on the way to/from market. 

Do everything in your capacity to arouse your husband’s sexual urge. Part of my advice for your mother when she was at this stage was to always empty your father’s sack and fill his belly; that is, give him enough sex, feed him best delicacies. For that’s the best way to keep a man to you, and prevent the husband snatchers from taking him from you.

Obey Your Commander-In-Chief till You Breathe Your Last

Don’t forget that he who owns the slave owns his belongings; your husband owns you, whether alive or dead, and whatever is yours. To be a good wife, you must learn to obey your husband. Desist from whoever your husband says he doesn’t want you to associate with. If he says he doesn’t want you to have friends, don’t. Wherever he doesn’t want you to be, don’t go. Don’t go out without his express permission, even it involves matter of life or death; if you do, the gods will rain courses on you until you return under his roof.

Never second-guess his decision. Let whatever he says be the final even he makes such decision based on inadequate or wrong information. Your major occupation is within the premises of your residence; you may use your skills to contribute to home but don’t be like career women who leave house in the morning and return in the evening like their husbands. 

Learn to Endure in the Face of Adversity

If he can’t provide for home, use your understanding and don’t make him panic. Or else he will run away one day to those sugar mummies who will spoil him with enjoyment until he forgets home. Whether he performs his responsibility or not, he is your king, always treat him as one.

Don’t let intruders have access to your private life. Don’t be brainwashed by those feministic ideologies. Men will always be our kings, don’t be rebellious. There is never going to be equality of these two genders.

If he hits you, it’s your fault; one don’t provoke one’s husband. Whenever he’s angry, try to know why by firstly checking yourself, you might have done something wrong again. If he barks at you, quickly backs into a corner and apologize through chanting of his lineage eulogy. Hold him in the leg and beg. Cry to appease his angry soul. No matter what happens; always respect your husband and meet his every demands with smiling face.

Don’t forget, whatever you encounter is for the success of your children.

Ololade Asake, learn to endure.

You marry his Family as well

Your husband’s family are your family; his parents are your parents. You must respect every member of his family. You have to always display your good character traits to let them know that you have home training; don’t cause us any disgrace over there. Always smile. Never frown. Don’t insult any of his family member even if you think you have a cause to. You are there to marry their son, as well as them. Respect everyone and everything from his family, including toddlers and pets.

Don’t Ever Leave Him 

Packing out your husband’s house is a bad thing. It gives you and us bad image in the society. The only thing that can draw you out of his house is your death. Nothing else. No matter what he might do, don’t divorce your husband. My mother never did it, neither her mother, me and nor your mother. If you are going through tribulation, pray to gods and be remain committed.

Pursue His Goal, Abandon Yours

To make your husband drown in your love and admiration, you have to do more than preparation of best meals and giving of sex; you must be ready to throw away your aspirations too for him to realize his. Take care of home while he does his career.

‘What if I do all that and he doesn’t seem to appreciate me?’

‘What if I treat him like king and he doesn’t treat me like queen, mama?’

Don’t worry, you will get the rewards on your children’

‘What if despite my caring and sacrifices he sees me as not enough and marry another wife? 

Kai! Husbands don’t need a reason to marry another wife and… Asake, who are you to question your husband’s decision?! Don’t you know husbands are our small gods?!! In their shrines and worship, we shall forever remain!

And let me remind you: if youngsters have befitting clothes like elders, they cannot have rags like them. So, you better listen to me…

‘Mamma, but an occasion where befitting clothes need to be wore, we cannot wear rags, it will be disgracing…and…’

Keep quiet! And go serve your king!

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