… where sa-tyres never go flat

Prize for Satire

How to be a slay queen

How to be a slay queen

by: Emmanuel Faith


Dear Baddie-bee,

I hope this mail does not meet you on the chest of Alhaji Danlami.  He is a lousy sleeper, isn’t he?  How will you say a man snores like tiger’s generator? Well, as long as his bank account doesn’t sleep, it’s a win for us.

My heart leapt for joy when your iMessage came in. I am delighted your first client is a big-fish, the kind that gives you a 3-day trip to Dubai just for valentine. Chizzy was not that lucky; her first client was an ousted senator from Ijebu North-east Local government. The stingy man lodged her in a four-star hotel and went straight to business after few bottles of vodka. No make-outs, no foreplay, just an array of relentless ramming with discordant yells of “who’s your daddy, say daddy, I’m your daddy”, can you imagine that? The worse part was when he transferred 20 thousand naira for t.fare and asked her to find her way back to Lagos. Isn’t that sheer wickedness? But you my queen, you are lucky, from now on, upwards and onwards. Konibaje baby. 

My dearest Barakat, the major reason for sending you this email is to welcome you to the majestic world of slay-queens and give you some helpful tips that would help you navigate these murky waters.

To start with, please change that your bio on twitter and IG. Barakat is for your certificate and your parents, baddie-bee is for the world. You can leave the “God-fearing” part and delete the Muslimah. Add your zodiac sign, you are an Aries, March 22 chick, make a couple of tweets about how Aries behave and end with “what do you find fascinating about your zodiac sign”? The Taurus and Cancers might come for you, they are always the howling ones but you can be certain of soothing feedbacks from Leo and Aquarius. Don’t forget to add “soft-babe” or “soft-life only”, as they say in my language enu eni la fi’n pe temidire, which loosely translates to “You call forth your blessings yourself”

Your media on twitter is empty, fill it with some teasing pictures. You do not have to show your face, a part of your laps is fine.  To make your timeline buzz, you can show a bit of your flat tummy or post a shot in that sexy bikini we ordered from erotic shoppe. You can write a witty caption like “less is more” and use the heart button anytime a guy leaves a comment. You are not interested in those ones, they are broke, the rich ones will send you a dm immediately.

Of course, there would be the hypocrites and religious gatekeepers who will write gibberish on your timeline, but it is your timeline, isn’t it? To tweet is theirs, to block is yours. You are a paragon of pulchritude, don’t let anyone kill your vibe.

You need to open a virtual store and be an online vendor. You do not want those hungry bloggers with vulture eyes prying into your lifestyle, piercing your innocuous heart with horrendous words. Afterall, we are all trying to make a living in this Bubu’s economy. You can sell wigs, or shoes, or thrift outfits. We don’t know the difference between thrift and boutique these days so I suggest you stick with wigs. 

I know Alhaji sent you 10 million naira already, that’s why I love those retired oil moguls. Those tech bros think they have money, see ehn, in Nigeria, nothing can beat oyel money. 

I will be expecting my one million naira when you get back to Nigeria, you can share 500k with the other girls. Go to a big party or birthday bash of one of those influencers, book the front table and order drinks for the clique. Quilox is always a go to place but I hear South and Bayroot booming these days. When men see you buy a table yourself, the poor one pretending to be rich will flee, and the rich ones longing for the wealthy would come close, but those are not your targets, they are just a means to an end, a connection to the ones with generational wealth and surplus loot or don’t you want to eat from the National cake too?

Back to wigs, set up your virtual store, write witty captions and don’t forget to include “dm for prices”, size your clients up before you name a price but don’t overcharge to prevent being dragged, remember, the business is just a cover for the real business. Frontals, curly, bob, those wigs sell like water, and you can even make some small profit here and there.

Proper slay-queens don’t drag people, they watch their fans throw dagger of words at the draggers.  Your duty is to like and retweet any tweet you find intriguing, in fact you can mute the conversation altogether or retweet with a quote like
“chasing dollars, not clout”.

There are a lot of other things you should know, like how to get the right angles for your curvy body that we are all jealous of. How to snatch a man from his wife and make his madam pay you off with thousands of dollars, flaunt your lifestyle in the most modest way, how to create a foundation that makes money and gives out a little, making the media and blogs your friends, how to string too rich men along and blackmail them for lands in Lekki-Epe, but for now, let’s enjoy the Danlami’s juice and suck him dry.
Remember, the next time he asks you to spread your legs like a rumor, hold his armor, massage it a bit till he spills like akamu, and shrinks like a burnt rubber, then caress his eardrums with sweet nothings. That’s the only advantage of starting with these old men, they don’t last long but their wallet does.

Till the next time we see, remember, a slay-queen always slay, you do not bring anything to the table and you don’t have to because you are the goddamn table, now let’s go get some credit alert, amen?

Till I write you again, 

With all my love, 

Abike, a.k.a Abby, the Sleazy Queen.

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Precious Omolola
Precious Omolola
1 year ago

Niceeeee and Funny
I enjoyed reading this piece

1 year ago


Last edited 1 year ago by
1 year ago

Hell yes!! Totally loved reading this.

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