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Prize for Satire

Hard facts

Hard facts

by: Waliyullah Tunde Abimbola

Guy: Ẹ̀gbọ́n, as a socio-economic analyst, do you think… 

Analyst: Socio-politico-economic-cultural analyst, you mean. 

Guy: Oh, right. So, do you think Nigeria has handled her post-Covid recovery well? 

Analyst: The real question is: Is there a post-Covid period? Because there cannot be a post-Covid period if there was no Covid. 

Guy: Are you saying that Covid-19 was faux?

Analyst: Yes.

Guy: But ẹ̀gbọ́n, people died o. We saw on TV and social media. Pictures, videos and testimonies from reputable sources. 

Analyst: Look at you. You don’t know how deep Western propaganda runs. All those sources of yours were actors hired by the Establishment. It was an agenda of depopulating Africa. They built a virus in their labs and they spread it throughout the world. 

Guy: Who and who are these they

Analyst: You don’t know? Jef Besos and Melon Mosque, of course. In cahoots with America. 

Guy: But why did they have cases too, even if they were, as you say, fake? 

Analyst: To make it believable, duh. They knew that some smart Africans would suspect foul play. That’s why they made it seem as though they were affected too. 

Guy: But their plan did not work since Covid-19 did not kill too many people in Africa.

Analyst: Yes. But they had a Plan B. You know these Westerners, they are always thinking years ahead. Their Plan B involved those vaccines that they bandied around and the 5G network they introduced. 

Guy: But what do they gain by depopulating Africa? 

Analyst: Isn’t it obvious? That way, they can loot our resources more easily. The vaccines in collaboration with 5G will make men sterile and birth rate will fall. It will also solve their refugee problem. They can even turn Africa into a summer vacation continent. Now, let me blow your mind. Their ultimate aim is to wipe out all blacks in the world. 

Guy: [Nigerianly]  Ah ha! 

Analyst: Believe me. They are taking white supremacy to a new level. More advanced than Hitler’s idea of übermensch— that Caucasians are overmen— while others are untermensch— subhumans. 

Guy: This is hard to believe, ẹ̀gbọ́n. We have intermingled with them. There are even blacks working for the so-called Establishment. They cannot have such hatred against us and still relate with us swimmingly. 

Analyst: [as if to an imaginary person] Hear this boy. Do you think they will post it on their Twitter handles or announce it on CNN? No! It is a long term project and they are executing it slowly, silently. 

Guy: That is disconcerting to hear. But that aside. What do you say about Buriha’s administration now at its terminus?

Analyst: Buriha’s administration looked promising. But Jibril’s governance is downright terrible, as we all know. [chuckles on seeing Guy’s astonishment] You did not know that too? 

Guy: I thought… I thought that was just a blatant conspiracy theory. 

Analyst: [heatedly] Of course not. The real conspiracy theory is them telling us that it is still Buriha that is in Aso Rock and not Jibril Aminu of Sudan. I mean, he came back from one of his medical trips and lo and behold!— his fingerprint could not open his office anymore. The First Lady said that her husband was not the man she knew. Observe the change in his skin tone, his height and earlobes. Did you also see the video where he was playing with his grandkids? I mean, Buriha’s grandkids? The kid ran away from him because, naturally, kids remember things better. When people see hard facts that they cannot stomach, they tag them conspiracy theory

Guy: [heaves] I’ve heard strange things from you, ẹ̀gbọ́n. 

Analyst: You have heard the truth. And the truth can be unpleasant. 

Guy: Okay. How do you see this ASUU strike? Who do you think is at fault?

Analyst: Totally ASUU. Let me tell you, ASUU strike has external hands in it. 

Guy: You mean foreigners?

Analyst: Yes. UK, USA, Canada and suchlike. These external hands pay ASUU to elongate the strike so that more and more Nigerians will emigrate to their countries so that they can make use of their talents. You know how brilliant most of our compatriots are. And they are succeeding. Millions of students and lecturers have left Nigeria between the start of this current strike and now. Millions! You may not know but that ASUU man— what’s his name?— alerts of hard currency ring on his phone every week. 

Guy: But with thousands of members, how do they share the money? And how can they maintain the secrecy? 

Analyst: Why are you like this? Of course they don’t share the money. The ASUU man gathers his acolytes and gives them shares. The rest suffer for nothing.

Guy: But ẹ̀gbọ́n, what they are saying is that our campuses are not conducive, what with the tumbledown lecture theatres and ramshackle hostels. Students sit on the floor, some lecturers don’t have offices and so on. 

Analyst: Those are lame excuses. Students sit on the floor. And so what? Suffering is part of education. That is why our elders say that he who has not suffered cannot claim to be wise. So, it is for their good. And you said that some lecturers don’t have offices. Well, what do they need offices for? It is because they have offices that they commit sexual harassment. Their job is to teach. Let them write their lectures from home and take whatever paperwork they have back home. As long as there are lectures rooms, tumbledown or not, work can continue unabated. 

Guy: I hear you, ẹ̀gbọ́n. Next question. What do you think about the upcoming Presidential election? People say that it is decisive for Nigeria’s future trajectory.

Analyst: Indeed, it is. 

Guy: But ironically, we are presented with three— how do I put it? — unsuitable candidates. 

Analyst: Unsuitable as how? 

Guy: Well, each has his deficiencies. As for Balo Amhed Tibunu, he seems medically unfit. Akuti Ababukar lacks charisma and has integrity issues. And his party lacks cohesion. Petre Ibo seems fraudulent. 

Analyst: Fraudulent? 

Guy: Yes. Even now that he is not in office yet, he prevaricates recklessly. Also, he presents himself on a platter of integrity. That mode of campaigning has gone outdated since Buriha’s election in 2015. Moreover, his campaign consultations have proven that he is not a new movement as his partisans posit. 

Analyst: Okay. Let me enlighten you. This set of candidates is the best!— yes, you heard me— the best we will ever have.

Guy: Ẹ̀gbọ́n, this opinion of yours is unpopular o. People say the exact opposite of what you just said. 

Analyst: People are bloody ignorant apes, says Estragon in Waiting for Godot. If it is hearsay that you want, you can digest what people say. But if you want informed facts, I will enlighten you. As for Balo Amhed Tibunu, he is a big gift to this nation. He has bundles of experience in governance under his belt. He transformed Lasog State from a jungle to a mega city. That state can compete with any other in the world now. And his health does not really matter. Even if he has to be wheeled on a wheelchair into his office everyday, with a brilliant mind like that, there will still be no problem. As for Akuti, he has experience too. And a lot of foresight. He is the Barack Obama of Nigeria. Have you read his manifesto? Abraham Lincoln would be impressed. Petre Ibo is not fraudulent. He is a top-class economist. He said he used one wristwatch for seventeen years and they said that he is stingy. No. That is not stinginess. That is conscious spending. It means that if he becomes president, he will know how each kobo is spent. And as for his integrity, our elders say that behaviour is like smoke; you cannot hide it. With those options, we are in safe hands no matter who wins. Who to vote for is a trilemma for me. An exciting trilemma. 

Guy: That was really enlightening. Last one, now. The country is in a deplorable state. What do you think we can do to salvage the situation? 

Analyst: What can we do? Our elders say that he whom you cannot beat, you hand him over to God. Praise be to God, we already have men of God like Odumeje the Indaboski Bahose, the liquid metal. We also have Guru Maharaji, the living perfect master. But we need more like them. In fact, we should have a Ministry of Prayers and Spiritual healing. That way, our few travails will be over in no time. 

Guy: Thanks for your time, ẹ̀gbọ́n. May Nigeria be great one day. 

Analyst: We are the ones badmouthing it. She is already great.


  • Ẹ̀gbọ́n means “older sibling”. Now used generally for any older male. 
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The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

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