… where sa-tyres never go flat

Prize for Satire

How to love a Nigerian man as a Nigerian woman

How to love a Nigerian man as a Nigerian woman

by: Obinna Tony-Francis Ochem

Are you a woman and Nigerian? If yes, you are qualified to heed this advice. This is because there is another way of loving a Nigerian man, especially as a white woman or a non-white woman who is not a Nigerian. That’s for another day. Remember that as a Nigerian woman, for every aspiration, marriage is mainly at the forefront of it. If not, what are you here for? You are a Nigerian woman, and that’s what is supposed to be in your mind while trying to scale through your aspiration. Not getting worried about marriage is only for men. They will still marry when it’s time. At that time, they get a wife, and everything is set. But for you, a Nigerian woman, there is a time range for you to get married. If not, you will lose the one for you. It starts from 25 to 35 if you live in the most bubbling cities in Nigeria, like Lagos, Abuja, or Port Harcourt. 

But in other states, you have to start thinking from 17 because at 28, you are seen as old and washed up. If you are from some parts of Northern Nigeria, you must start by 11 or 12 because it’s already legal to get married at 13. By 18 or 20, you might not be what they seek anymore. If you don’t get married by this time, don’t worry, it’s not the end. You will still get married when the time comes. What matters is that you get married and will be getting married to a Nigerian man.

Now that you are married to a Nigerian man, congratulations. This is an achievement. Even though it’s supposed to be a moment for both of you, it doesn’t matter much to that man. Remember, traditional marriage happens in your father’s home, not his own. Where people know you and everyone related to you will attend more than those related to him. You will receive all the congratulations, and after the ceremony, the marriage has begun. You might be clueless trying to get into this union. Do you know that your parents told you to go out there and respect that man? What are love and respect? It’s not clear enough. So, this is how to love your husband, right?

— Remember that you have to bring something to the table except sex because when you see those tweets on your Facebook feed, Instagram blog grid, and Twitter timeline, you won’t feel bad. You have to bring something to the table other than sex. It doesn’t matter that when you both return to work, you will cook alone, and your husband will be in the sitting room watching his favourite match. It doesn’t matter that you will take care of the children and house chores alone. After all, who will fix the light bulb when it spoils though you can do it too as you had always done it before you married. Who will change the car tyre? Not like your husband doesn’t call mechanics when it needs to be fixed or how many men in Nigeria can afford to have a car? Or who will put on the generator? Mostly done once in a while, and most times, you do it yourself. Those theoretical things Twitter patriarchs say are the same as multitasking house chores; remember that. Unlike your chores, it can’t be outsourced, you do it every day, but you must bring something to the table.

— Remember that how long your marriage is will tell how happy you have been and will award you the best wedding in comparison to others. Don’t forget it’s ammunition for your son or daughter when they support patriarchy in the future. They will tell Twitter folks how their parents’ marriage lasted nearly 50 years. You don’t want them to get ratio’ed with your marital woes when they tweet their random thoughts like everyone else with opinions. You have to make ways for them by being that parent whose marriage lasted so that you won’t cause irreparable damage to their image.

— As a young married woman, if you are active on social media and everyone knows you are married, remember to write on your Twitter bio. You are first a married woman before anything. Tweet marriage positive tweets and anti-feminism often. If your husband is not on Twitter, write in your bio that you handle this account. Don’t worry. You are already in the good books of your audience. When you tweet in support of Patriarchy, they will be everywhere in your replies like flies. One will offer you one bottle of cold beer, another will remind you how there is oil in your head, and some will ask if you have a younger sister for themselves or brothers. Now, we are back to what I told you before, men barely look for wives. When they are ready for marriage, they quickly look for one and they will find one.

— Lastly, remember that loving a man is only as easy on social media. In reality, it’s not as easy as tweeting that women should submit to their husbands. Tweeting in support of men and patriarchy. In reality, it is different. You will still be that bitter feminist even if you have never identified as a feminist for objecting to the minor things. So, you have to love a man like how other women before you have been loving their man. You will encounter all the difficulties. They love food, so you must prepare the food fresh and hot even though they used to compromise before marrying you. You must take the responsibilities of the house, and when you don’t do one like providing financially, then they will say you don’t contribute anything to the home except sex. Be like the idea of what they have of their mother in their head even though they are not remotely close.

3.8 8 votes
Article Rating

Share this post

The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

Wanna leave a reply?

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x