Punocracy

… where sa-tyres never go flat

Prize for Satire

Roadmap to being a firebrand believer on Nigerian university campuses

Roadmap to being a firebrand believer on Nigerian university campuses

by: Okafor John Oluwadamilare

Dear Kunle,

Calvary Greetings. 

Bawo ni?  I learnt from my brother, your father, that you recently gained admission into the University of Lagoon. Hearty congratulations! Before leaving for school, I know my brother would have loaded your head with a lot of acada talks. 

But you know that’s not enough, because according to 2 Corinthians 10: 4, ‘’For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds’’. You see, it’s only the spiritual-minded that can survive on Nigerian campuses. There’s this spirit of doom ready to destroy the minds of the young on these campuses. 

It’s unfortunate that today, we have a lot of lukewarm brethren on university campuses, they have given room to the devil and they are not bringing down revivals as in the days of old. In this letter, I will be highlighting all the strategies that helped me in being a firebrand for Christ all through my stay on campus. It will be of help to you and you can also share them with your friends in school. 

  1. Be Rooted in a Campus Fellowship

Don’t be a part of those chewing gum boys hopping from one fellowship to another looking for TikTok girls upandan.  Make sure you attend all fellowship meetings even when they clash with classes.  Your horizon must not expand beyond these, as any other thing that comes after are distractions on your way to heaven. You should be heaven-bound and useless on earth.

Invest all your time in fellowship activities, don’t seek to find balance at all. The moment you seek balance, you derail from the path of life. Accept all the fellowship roles; Bible Study Coordinator; Hall Pastor; Faculty Pastor; DepartmentalPastor; Follow-up Popsi; Prayer Warrior Leader, just accept them all.  

‘’To whom much is given, much will be required’’. Luke 12:48

  1. On Mannerism 

Remember, you are the light of the world and as a light, you must not be a disappointment. The speech that comes out of your mouth must be seasoned with salted phrases like ‘’God bless you’’, ‘’ It is well’’, ‘’ “Peace be unto you” and ‘’Gloryyy!!’’. 

A second must not go by in a conversation without you using such edifying words! Other students must know that you are made up of a power higher than they are. 

You should always add Popsi to your name, it gives it this spiritual relevance. In fact, during exams, always include it to your name on your answer booklets, so that you would be awarded extra marks; you earned it, after all. When you want to give a fellowship sister a handshake, let there be a distance of one meter. This will help you avoid all the fiery darts of the enemy. Hugs? Don’t try that! That will bring a stain on your spiritual whiteness. 

  1. On Dressing 

You must never be caught fresh. Yes, I said what I said! Trying to look fresh will be an attempt to be a stumbling block on the path of your fellowship sisters. Avoid fitted shirts and trousers, they will make fellowship sisters start imagining things. 

Using roll-ons and perfumes will ozz out the spiritual relevance in you which might also affect the spiritual frequency of your fellow brethren. You don’t have to always polish your shoes, they can always be pointing towards God as a mark of obeisance. 

See, never avoid dressing in those colour riot dresses; that is what shows what a firebrand you are. Imagine wearing a glittering red shirt with red trousers, the devil will see you and run away. That’s because you are too loaded to be touched.   

  1. Pray or be a Prey!

“But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fails not; and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren” Luke 22:32. 

Prayer is one of our weapons of war. So, pray away; at whatever time you wish, and for as long as you want. Forget that you’re making noise. 

Who dares call prayer noise sef? Pray at the top of your voice, even when your roommates are the ones on the receiving end of the disturbance. You should never pray silently; that’s taboo. You must wake up before your roommates and begin to blast in tongues; show them you didn’t come to the university to count academic awards. 

When they — your roommates — confront you about your insensitivity and give you advice on how you can always use the fields in the hall or fellowship ground for prayers, shout at them! Tell them how shallow and lukewarm they are in the spirit; shove it in their faces!

  1. Worship your Fellowship EXCO

You have to treat your fellowship EXCO as gods; they must be worshipped at all times. Whenever you go late to meetings and they punish you to go pray for five hours to build your spiritual web and stamina, you must always do as they say. You should never question their authority, as they are your school fathers and mothers who are ordained to lead you on the way of the Lord.

You should know by now that your fellowship president must always be taken care of; he must never be stressed since he is juggling tasks from the fellowship with his academics. In fact, as a gesture of love you should help wash his clothes weekly, as a way to show service and honour.

  1. Drag them by their Necks to Fellowship!

When you invite people to your fellowship and they tell you that they have another fellowship they attend; don’t believe them. Insist that they must attend your fellowship and tell them why yours is superior to theirs. 

Rebuke the obstinate spirit that wants to hinder them from getting the best. Press their necks and choke them! If they make the mistake, sorry, a wise decision, of giving you their numbers, bombard them with text messages, WhatsApp messages, and calls. You know their room number? Make their room your next abode, till they follow you to church.

My son, Kunle, I think this should be enough to equip you in the jungle out there. See this as a starter pack, I will be sending you more strategies on being a firebrand believer on your campus. Expect them.  

P:S: When replying to this letter, don’t bother to include your account details, silver and gold have I none; but such as I have, have I given unto thee.  

Yours in the faith,

Most/Snr/Evang/Pro Peter Irapada 

3.9 7 votes
Article Rating

Share this post

The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

Wanna leave a reply?

0 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x