by: Caleb Nnamani
I know you will want to read this. After all, you’re Nigerian.
But before I proceed, let me clarify that I am not judging you. In fact, I believe you are doing Nigeria a favour by leaving. After all, there’s nothing more patriotic than putting the green and white flag on your Instagram bio—next to the flag of the new country you’re living in.
As we all know, oil has been Nigeria’s major export since its discovery in Oloibiri. It used to be Agriculture, but who needs to export food when foreign companies can drill holes, pump oil, kill our vegetation, and give our undergraduates some local scholarships? Definitely not us. We’re big boys now, and farming is only for the illiterates. If they’re lucky, I will someday become president. Then the farmers will make more money, and your lunch will not be imported.
By the way, if you meet a good man in Nigeria, or a woman who is too good to be true, kindly check behind their necks and under their feet for a label. The truth is: they may have been made in China. When you see a good sachet of water too, the type that will not turn red litmus paper blue, chances are high that it may have been made by a certain Xi Pin Jin. If you like, don’t take my word for it. Just check our importation rate.
What God cannot do doesn’t exist, including our exportation problem. From many indications, it seems like Nigeria is fast rising to become a leading exporter of human beings. We might have failed to export cassava, garri, and beans in the past, but we’re now playing on another level— exporting people to European and American countries.
No, this is not another slave trade or human trafficking saga. I’m talking about an exodus of middle to upper-class Nigerians from the country. Immediately access to depart is granted in the form of a visa, these Nigerians willingly sell or donate all they have and move to their country of destiny. Sometimes, there are massive airport queues, but that’s good news, right? We are exporters, afterall. And the best part? We’re doing this so well, even better than other African countries. Now you see why we’re called the giants of Africa.
So, here are three ways to migrate out of Nigeria
- Go for a “master’s degree.”
Whether you’re a scholar or an olodo, a master’s degree is what you need. Of course, you won’t tell them when applying that you’re only going to come back to Nigeria for your funeral. Just say you want to change the world by learning from their universities, then cough out your life savings plus borrowed cash and pay for 50% of your first year’s tuition.
Never mind that you’re broke and maybe destitute at this point. Many jobs are waiting for you when you cross over. Some—or most—might require that you take care of sick people and change adult diapers. But see it as nothing. You are now in a land where things work. And, of course, people will only see what you post on Instagram. Not what you do with biodegradable waste. It’s a win for you!
- Reject independence
If you want to get outside Nigeria, you must say, “God forbid!” when anyone calls you an independent woman or man. It’s not too much to tattoo “A dependant” on your forehead. Why should you be independent when there’s something called a dependant visa? God forbid again.
The issuers of the dependant visa might have strict criteria for it, but are you ready to migrate if you cannot manoeuvre your way through their unnecessary requirements? If you don’t know how to start, simply login to Twitter NG and ask for a dependant visa deal. You will meet other ambitious and courageous Nigerians who will work with you to achieve a common goal.
Although they may have never met you, they could add you as their dependant to get their visas approved. You might only need to settle them with small cash of about 50% of the total cost of processing the visa.
Good news: As soon as you both get to the airport on the other side, you can kiss yourselves goodbye and reclaim your independence.
- Change your sexuality
Do you want to go abroad and maintain your sexuality? You must be joking. What are you even using your thing to do in Nigeria? Don’t you know that over there, men that feel they’re women can be women, and women that feel they’re men can be men? Feelings are how things work nowadays. Forget the ancient times when genders were strictly attached to certain behaviours. That’s toxic and “not giving.”
I understand you may prefer being a man. Your name might even be Okunrinmeta. But don’t be afraid to take that bold step and wear lingerie to the embassy of your country of choice. When you get there, tell them you’re too sexy for Nigeria, and forever you’re that girl. If they probe further, say that Nigerians are persecuting you, and you just want to be free. Guess what they’ll give you next? They might call it asylum, but to you, it’s migration.
AFTERWORD: When you finally travel outside the country, try to live your best life. You may be crushed by loneliness and the effects of your skin colour, but always remember to look at your wages and multiply it by the naira’s surging exchange rate to feel successful.
If you were highly placed in Nigeria before you left, don’t worry if you find out that being a delivery driver is as high as it gets for you at first. Relax. Take care of yourself. Forget about Nigerian food because eating what your taste buds are used to could impoverish you. Eat fries and soda. It’s cheaper, but you’re richer.
One December, you will visit home with a fake accent and say, “I just got back.”
Until then, may the forces be with you.