From Our Allies, Lamentations of an Egbere

Two thousand and twenty proverbs for a governor’s son 

An alagba once admonished that “the masquerade that tries too hard to usurp his master by showing off his dance steps on the express shall be jammed by a Dangote trailer.” Our people say that “it is the desires of every father to have his son better him in life and accomplishments”. Without any iota of doubt, the governor wants his son to be better than he could ever be.

From Our Allies

Who needs traditional protests when we have social media! 

In the last month, we have recorded enormous success, starting with Pastor Biodun stepping down from his position as Head of COZA. Nigerians took it from the streets of Social Media to the streets of Abuja, right in front of his church building, dragged not only the image of this “Man Of God” but also took it a step further by shaming his churchgoers as well since they must have had a hand in his promiscuity and alleged sexual predation. Shaming Sunday churchgoers was just the right thing to do. Anyway, Pastor Biodun stepped down. Nigerians won.

From Our Allies

Who needs a Canadian visa? 

Start with the COZA thriller — the sub-plot of protest and counter-protest in Abuja. A group of ladies and men faithful to the randy daddy G.O, it was reported, had hit the COZA church to protest against the anti-rape protesters. Their argument? It is profane and blasphemous to drag the body of Krest…oh no, of Christ in the in petty and muddy allegation of rape. But while the Lord was busy attending celestial matters, the earthly foot soldiers had deemed it fit to come in defence of His anointed. ‘It is not the body of Christ we are dragging in the mud, it is a serial rapist we have come to drag to the prison,’ the other camp protested. Matter laid to rest.

From Our Allies

It’s not rape… it’s consented rape 

She dares to let her plus-size double D boobs jiggle freely like a pendulum, knowing full well how much you can’t resist boobs. Even if she doesn’t know about your lust for the mammary glands, it doesn’t matter. What matters is she dares come into your apartment looking hotter than Kylie Jenner and Kim K. put together, making your soldier salute her. She dares combine red and white — odindi valentine colours. My friend, the experts said I should tell you that, if you forcefully have penetrative sexual activity with her, there and then, while she’s trying to quickly reply her WhatsApp texts, it’s called consented rape.