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Satire 0-1 News: Flood destroys Nigerian prison as inmates escape, praying for BH, and other stories

Satire 0-1 News: Flood destroys Nigerian prison as inmates escape, praying for BH, and other stories

Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater comedians than professional humorists. Don’t believe us? Keep reading.

Flood destroys Nigerian prison, 228 inmates escape

The Koton Karfe custodial centre in Kogi has collapsed under heavy flooding, leading to the escape of 228 inmates. The Comptroller General of the Nigeria Correctional Service, Jafar Ahmed, who confirmed this while speaking with journalists in Koton Kafe on Monday said that the flood came at about 3 a.m., submerging the perimeter fence and the walls of two cells. He said that there were 228 inmates at the centre as at the time of the incident. Mr Ahmed said that the prison was not habitable at present, saying that the re-arrested inmates were being transferred to other prison facilities in the state. He said that details of the incident will be made public later.


Boko Haram: Borno govt signs agreement with 30 Saudi-based clerics to pray for peace

Governor Babagana Zulum of Borno State on Friday signed an agreement with 30 Saudi-based clerics who are residing in the city of Makka, the seat of Islam’s holiest mosque, to endlessly pray for the return of peace in Borno, a government statement said. The governor, who has been in Saudi Arabia since last week, had the agreement sealed with the 30 clerics whose responsibility, henceforth is to offer prayers and perform daily tawaf (circulation) around the holy Kaaba. Muslims believe that prayers offered in the holy mosque of Kaaba are speedily granted.


Sex-for-grades: Stop going to lecturers unnecessarily, Education minister counsels female students

“The Federal Ministry of Education is embarrassed with the allegations of sexual harassment in Nigerian higher institutions. Girls should read their books and be able to defend their certificates. They (female students) should stop going to lecturers unnecessarily and should not harass their lecturers. We are recommending UNIPORT’s Sexual Harassment Policy to other higher institutions in Nigeria,” Adamu advised.


We employed prayer warriors to pray for firefighting trucks ― Huan, FFS spokesperson

Q: How prepared is the fire service against the growing threats posed by frequent fuel tanker accidents?

A: The Service is well prepared. Like the Controller General of Fire CGF, Liman Ibrahim Alhaji said during his maiden briefing some weeks ago, before the advent of this administration, most of the few trucks we had were largely unserviceable and we most times had to employ the services of prayer warriors to help us pray for the trucks not to break down when going for operations. However, President Muhammadu Buhari has graciously approved the purchase of 93 fire fighting trucks for the Service. This is in addition to the various trucks and other vehicles that we had taken delivery of in the past four years and which have been commissioned and deployed for operations.


Nigerian agency organises three-day fasting, prayer over ‘incessant’ staff deaths

A Nigerian government department has announced plans to conduct a three-day fasting and praying exercise over ‘incessant’ deaths of its staff members. The National Commission for Museums and Monuments (NCMM) said in an October 23 circular seen by PREMIUM TIMES that its officials should gather at its headquarters in Abuja for the exercise between October 30 and November 1. “All Christian brethren at the headquarters will gather at the fellowship chapel of the head office, Block ‘B’ Ground Floor” between 12:00 p.m.-1:00 p.m. daily,” the memo said. “All Muslim brethren at the headquarters will observe their prayers at the mosque,” it added.


Furore in Osun over appointment of ‘Commissioner for Governor’s Office’

PREMIUM TIMES in August reported how he was running the state with supervisors he appointed only to ministries he considered very important. The supervisors were for the ministries of works, finance, agriculture, home affairs, education and information. A month after this newspaper’s report, the governor submitted a list of commissioner-designates to the state House of Assembly, ten months after he was sworn in on November 27, 2018. On Thursday, the 35 names cleared by the lawmakers for appointment as commissioners and special advisers were given their respective portfolios. Among them was Giwa Lateefat who was named ‘Commissioner for Governor’s Office’.


Chip Whip or Chief Whip? Kano official’s customised number plate causes ripples

An error has been spotted on the official number plate of a car assumed to belong to the chief whip of the Kano state house of assembly. The customised number plate reads chip whip in the place of chief whip and has the symbol of a legislative mace.


Kenya: Catholic archbishop wants Gov’t to deduct tithe from monthly salary

Kampala Archbishop Cyprian Kizito Lwanga has fronted a controversial proposal that seeks to have the central government deduct 10% from people’s monthly salary and forwarded to the church. Speaking at Saint Mary’s Cathedral Rubaga during mass, the Catholic Archbishop said many Christians don’t tithe and this affects projects by the church. “Whenever we ask for tithe, everyone gives only what they have at that time. But the Bible says a tenth of whatever you earn belongs to the church,” said Archbishop Lwanga.

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