ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Pastors aren’t superhuman and are very capable of doing the same things every other person born of a woman does, new revolutionary research has shown.

The report launched in Abuja, on Saturday, by the Commonsensically Objective Scientists’ Association (COSA) has however been received with great suspicion by Nigerians. It has also generated heated controversy, with some accusing the researchers, many of whom are agnostics, of being biased against the house of God.

“We know it may sound far-fetched to many but our findings show that clergymen actually fart, shit, eat, sleep, lust after attractive people, and do all sorts of other things that make us human,” Dr Williams Aig-Imoukhuede, the association’s president told journalists.

“We need to understand that pastors, and religious leaders generally, are men first before they are men of God.

“In fact, studies have shown that they are not immune to erring and committing crimes such as making false statements, extortion, fraud,” the professor of Theological Physics added. “Not even sexual assault.”

The study also found, contrary to popular belief, that the titles “pastor” and “anointed” are really not synonymous. Aig-Imoukhuede recommended that religious leaders should be presumed innocent until proven guilty like everyone else, but they must never be acquitted without trial.

“This is outrageous!” said one church leader who gave his name simply as BF and claimed to be the world’s best pastor.

“I am not only disappointed, but I am also krestfallen that people can go to this extent to tarnish the image of the church. We all know pastors are called by God and God only calls people who are worthy to spread his word and seeds,” he said.

“Even if a pastor does a thing that is thought by the world to be immoral or against the law, he must not be condemned for the ways of the Lord are mysterious and are beyond human understanding. It is just absurd to equate pastors with other men, including unbelievers.”

Pastors are literally worshipped in Nigeria. Analysts say they not only hold sway over 10 per cent of their followers’ pockets, they also control virtually 100 per cent of their minds.

“People naturally need to have complete trust in some authority,” one expert suggested. “And since the politicians have brutally let them down, Nigerians automatically moved to their religious leaders.”

“They constantly let them down too, but it’s difficult to track because pastors themselves make the rules. If they break them, they simply rewrite those rules and life goes on as though nothing happened.”

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us seriously! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.