… where sa-tyres never go flat
… where sa-tyres never go flat
“As part of your duties, you must diligently scrutinise all candidates and ensure that only those whose beards are naturally grown contest for president. This is a non-negotiable criterion. Any contestant with artificial beards must be screened out outright and his name forwarded to the Student Disciplinary Committee (SDC) for betrayal of nature and impersonation.”
Just like any other progressive government in today’s world, the Nigerian government holds the subject of “human rights” to be of paramount […]
“Let me state clearly without any equivocation that anyone of you who engages in corrupt practices will be thrown out of office. There can’t be two kings in a kingdom. I have made frantic efforts to reach the zenith in corrupt and shady dealings; particularly, in pocketing dollars. Therefore, I urge you all to accord me the exclusive right as the Sarkin Dollars of Nigeria,” he said.
Fake news on social media is an idiot. It is responsible for the hunger in the land, the slow growth rate of our economy, the increase in impoverished people, the poor power sector, the constant diminishing of our educational standards, and the mammoth crowd of Nigerians seeking to run out of the country. We’ve even closed our borders to avoid entrance of foreign fake news.
Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) […]
17. Prayer: (n) The solution to every problem imaginable, including bad roads, bad leadership, and a lack of preparedness for examinations. If it doesn’t work, experts suggest that the soul must be troubled or that the dose is doubled.
Satire matters because it subverts and questions people in authority. Comedy and satire provide a social check on the government. It encourages observers to challenge and question policy. Conflating the proclaimed post-truth era with mainstream news outlets and satire runs the risk of depriving journalism of perspective.
Collins Dictionary, for instance, defines a road as “a long piece of hard ground which is built between two places so that people can drive or ride easily from one place to the other”. That’s correct you know—but only as long as you don’t import that understanding to Nigeria. Things are much different here… So different we’d need the entire dictionary rewritten to suit our realities. Here, a road would be more appropriately defined as “a warzone where potholes are mines, shock absorbers are shields, curses are bullets—and from which every soldier returns home a casualty”.
As the driver approached it, the pothole cried out with a loud voice, “Who are you, driver?” Our driver responded as fast as the economic growth rate of Nigeria with, “I am Muhammed from Bornu state.” To my amazement, the pothole closed up leaving us with a smooth road to drive through. I asked the driver what just happened, he said, “Walahi, it’s because I’m from Bornu. What affects other Nigerians doesn’t affect us. Some basic problems other people encounter don’t come near us.”
“It is less stressful than what we are used to in cities across the country,” she added. “All you have to do is step out from the comfort of your classrooms into the sun, place your foot on the pedal to tilt the keg of water, and lean forward to rinse your hands vigorously, ensuring your legs are balanced and upright the entire time but your trunk is bent at an angle of about 45 degrees. And then, you refill the keg from the well as soon as the water is exhausted while making sure the pointed sticks don’t pierce your skin.”
