Egbon Aruleba, how dare you insinuate Nigeria is a Marlian Republic?
In the aftermath of the small matter of Naira Marley’s flight from Lagos to Abuja and back, from the depth of oblivion you appeared on our airwaves to attack a gentleman who doubles as a president and a role model to many progressive and patriotic Nigerians. That was not just it. You went on to make the absurd insinuation that there may be elements of the Marlian World Oder (MWO) movement in the esteemed Buhari government.
Becoming a campus journalist in Nigeria: A satirical guide
Like the strong-willed patriotic Nigerian that you are, you do not want to lose out on all. You look for ways to impact on campus and thicken your skillset and your professional experience. You have got to thicken your CV for recruiters and employers who require a five-year experience for the job you hope to apply for as a fresh graduate. Trust me, I come with the perfect panacea: be a campus journalist and shoot into limelight.
Happy 21st birthday, Democracy
Speaking of institutional nonsense, you remember how one of the first things you established was a reformed Nigeria? Ha! Good old days. A Nigeria with a doomed legislative building, sorry domed building called the National Assembly where family reunion is held every now and then between former khaki boys, holders of umbrellas, holders of circled stars (which today is a luxurious broom), and other distant cousins.
The Nigerian dream
If you intend to have one child, I am sorry to announce that you are falling short of the Nigerian dream. Or tell me, who are you planning to emulate in your family? Now, change that orientation, you must have at least three children: Doctor, Engineer and Lawyer. The advantages of having more than three far outweigh having less. SARS might kill one or two for dressing too fine in Lagos, remember? Kidnappers might abduct and kill one or two if they are in the north. And there’s the killer herdsmen, Boko Haram terrorists, and so on.
The noble efforts to give almajiris a bright future
Even if they see a ray of hope or interest in something as Haram as Makarantan Boko, a thunder of “infidel” and soothing lashes of loving whips will never touch their backs. What do you need western education for? Without it, the commissioner rose to the top. He loitered the street, begged for money from passersby, almost got ran over by cars daily, ate crumbs from the plate of strangers and, when it was time, he was handpicked from the street and was sworn in as a commissioner the next day. You don’t have to strive; striving is rebellion.
With love from a Nigerian: Open letter to Buhari’s new Chief of Staff
Dear Sir, Being the sharpshooter (that misses most times), that I am, I like to (and would) hit my target without much ado. I listened with rapt attention as my…
How to become a prodigal son in Nigeria
Post false contents and out of context information at fragile moments and watch them rain curses on their leaders. You are saved na; you are not their leader anymore, you didn’t even pass through the gates of the national assembly. The day you were forced to do that, you broke your arm.
When the devil himself holds a masterclass on how to make heaven
More than any country, God has blessed us with Devils of different versions, enough to last us till the end of time. From government devils to business to science to religion, and our devils are never tired of preaching how to make it to heaven. Brothers and sisters, aren’t we verily blessed?
Dear single ladies | Bibian Chinenye Pius-Urum
If you’re visiting a place, do not stay in a hotel. Look for anybody there, preferably a fellow girl, that you can stay in her house. Don’t spend your money in such immoral places. Do you even know what the bed you want to sleep on was used for?
How to die well in Nigeria
To die well in Nigeria, you need to have lived an infamous life. And, to achieve this, first be a politician or hold a public office. Do not be a public or civil servant as the office may imply but endeavour to rule rather than serve. For rulership is for the strong, while service is for the weak and gullible. Make sure abuse sets in, trample on the poor, and lie to them.