How to govern Nigeria | Ali Muhammad Garba
Start with a ‘populist’ programme and make plenty of noise to affirm your campaign promises and resonate with the electorate. A bit of noisy razzmatazz on Boko Haram, funding for agriculture, some high profile arrests on corruption charges and, more importantly, painting the opposition and critics black. Hammer on the point that you are not a thief.
Immorality now Nigeria’s greatest security challenge, say police after ‘Operation Risky Bob’
“Yesterday’s invasion, which is the first phase of what we’ve tagged ‘Operation Risky Bob’, was no doubt successful as we prevented the commission of ungodly atrocities on our soil. I mean, what insecurity could be greater than not feeling secure with the gender your wise parents gave you?” the PPRO asked, as some policemen and journalists nodded in approval.
Dear Baba… an open letter to President Buhari
Permit me to also inform you to disregard requests from Iranian government telling you to send El-Zakzaky to their country for medical attention. Like who does that? With the best of medical facilities we have in the country? Who goes abroad for medical attention⸺well, if not you? We that have more than enough medical doctors, and we don’t even mind lending them to the UK or Canada to practice? Don’t mind Iran; their leaders must be jokers. Our medical facility is superior to that of any nation in the world, and the Shiite leader is receiving the best treatment anyone can get.
There is a war coming, but not to worry…
There is a war coming, and it’s filled with lots of jokes; comedian number one⸺Miyetti Allah. Let’s start with what’s not funny, Miyetti Allah getting pissed. You don’t want a pissed Miyetti on your hands, nahhh. When Miyetti gets pissed, monkeys get socked in blood and we don’t want that either, especially seeing as our monkey’s hate the sight of blood. We must do everything to keep Miyetti Allah happy, even if it means giving out our ancestral lands. After all, Fulanis own all the land in Nigeria; they just leased some out to our forefathers. You didn’t know? Then your ancestors are the ones at fault for not giving you the memo.
A Modest Proposal—on Ruga, Buhari’s overdue foreign travel, and other matters
Lastly, Senator Ademola Adeleke — the legendary dancing senator — has lost his election petition case at the apex court. Too bad. In spite of the many shreds of evidence informing the court of the ruling party’s unwholesome activities in the Osun election, Adeleke lost. The presiding judge premised verdict on ‘legal technicality’, a term that has since thrown the literate and the unlettered among Nigerians into the puddle of befuddlement.
SARS most feared phenomenon in Nigeria after Boko Haram, says UN agency
Meanwhile, the report also disclosed that the third most fearsome phenomenon to Nigerians is visa denial. Equally on the list were herdsmen, traffic congestion, underpants disappearance, queues (especially for elections), food insufficiency at parties, good leadership, and flat mobile phone batteries.