By: Chuks Chinyere (jj)


There’s a war coming, and I find the unfolding events entertaining. The last days of peace are often tension-filled, like where a knife is introduced to the rope that binds us all. While it cuts its way through, we must find a reason to laugh the pain and bloodshed away too.

Nigerians. We possess a superpower: the ability to make jokes and banter about anything. Even if our homes were on fire, we’d still find a way to inspire happiness and laughter; but where we can’t laugh, we pray⸺we cannot come and go and die for nothing. The same things that make other people occupy the streets make us tweet memes, occupy Church auditoriums on Friday nights, and nobody and nothing has seemed powerful enough to take our laughter and spirituality away. I don’t see why the last days of Peace should. 

Nigeria is drifting very fast to a point of no return, a place where the centre will no longer hold, where falcons will grow deaf to the falconer, this place where anomaly has settled into the thrown of normalcy. Anarchy will be loosened upon the land.

But look unto the bright side, we will have a very interesting story to tell our children, of these happenings, one where things fell apart, in a country, in her last days of peace, where cows were wielding AK 47s in her streets, socio-cultural groups making terrorist demands and threats while leaders of bandit criminal cartels got state visits and VIP treatments.

“There is a war coming.”

It seems like the war is already here⸺a war of words. One that the former President has not given up on, even as his ink seems to be running dry. It’s quite unusual of Baba Iyabo to give us something as short as a four-page letter. Everything certainly doesn’t seem okay at Ota; we are used to getting albums from him, not EPs. This four-page letter has got to be his shortest, most lax, and possibly his most irrelevant letter ever, according to public opinion.

Personally, I think Baba Iyabo’s letter was so on-point, just on one point, where he asked us to pray. Nigeria really needs prayers, prayers, and another CONFAB. This new National Conference will help pray collectively for the wellbeing of our motherland. The next CONFAB, which OBJ has suggested we hold, should solely focus on gaining spiritual aid for Nigeria. No time should be wasted in discussing national issues and ways forward; nobody has that time to waste.

Since the leaders have refused to look into the petitions and conclusions from the 2014 CONFAB, I sincerely think a new CONFAB should be convened, and this time all petitions and requests should be directed to God. If we persist well enough, he’s a loving Father, he’ll answer. A national day of fasting and rigorous head-swinging prayers should be declared also. Terrific idea, I think.

Nigeria, our strength is in our diversity, until our diversity becomes our bane. Men like me are super-excited about OBJ’s letter, all the pointers therein, and how it’s about to change our country for “God”, but men like Miyetti Allah are not having it; I can’t deal with that guy.

Credit: Mike Asukwo/Business Day.

There is a war coming, and it’s filled with lots of jokes; comedian number one⸺Miyetti Allah. Let’s start with what’s not funny, Miyetti Allah getting pissed. You don’t want a pissed Miyetti on your hands, nahhh. When Miyetti gets pissed, monkeys get socked in blood and we don’t want that either, especially seeing as our monkey’s hate the sight of blood. We must do everything to keep Miyetti Allah happy, even if it means giving out our ancestral lands. After all, Fulanis own all the land in Nigeria; they just leased some out to our forefathers. You didn’t know? Then your ancestors are the ones at fault for not giving you the memo.

What’s funny is how easy it takes Uncle Miyetti to get pissed. His temper is a basketball court of thin ice. I love Miyetti Allah for one thing though, once him vex like this, you go know; egbon will release a press statement ASAP like the one he did calling for the arrest a Former President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and General of the Nigerian Army. Audacity is his second name. Of course, I would also adopt audacity as my middle if I had the most powerful man in the country as my patron.

It’s even funnier how Miyetti Allah is now a household name, drags anyone at will, how they make indiscriminately ludicrous demands and nobody gets to tell them a thing. I understand them though, they just want what’s best for their people, and whoever gets hurt in the process… ehya for them. Isn’t that just one beautiful advantage of our diversity and a good show of respect for decorum and collectiveness? I love.

The Nigerian polity has now become that face-me-I-face-you compound of one new day, one new wahala.

Since several social-cultural groups posing to protect Northern interests with their mastery in the art of releasing indiscriminate evidence of terrible mental health situations, disguised in press releases, the Igbimo Odo Yoruba has decided not to carry last. The Yoruba youth have to show that they have craze too. Rising to the occasion of representing the Yoruba people in this mouth-making competition, this time in defense of one of their most prominent leaders, a letter-writing maniac, Igbimo Odo Yoruba have fired back at Miyetti Allah and everyone in their WhatsApp group, threatening fire and brimstone on anybody who tries their Ebora Owu with arrest threats and whatnot.

The Yoruba boy in me understands that all nah frapapa, make we talk so that e no go be like we no get mouth. The Igbimo Odo Yoruba clap back did not faze me. I was more concerned about the Aare Anakankanfo, Gani Adams’ statement, where he said, “If we react don’t blame us.” But really though, as far as no monkey gets soaked in blood in view of this reaction, I’m good.

I’m good, but not satisfied. My brethren from the South-East and South-South are missing out of the war. Is it not time they joined this war of endless frapapas and tongue-tingling? This period in Nigeria is like that time in a wedding ceremony where you get to say your mind or forever remain silent. Ndi-Igbo and her sister from down South, don’t y’all have something to say? No opening remarks before the kickoff? Please don’t disappoint me; I fear that, at times like this, your silence can be used against you in the court of law. Say something biko.

There is a war coming, a war likely borne out of this uncultured war of words, a war where we will have more fronts to worry about than we are united to face: Boko Haram, ISWAP, bandits of various kinds, Pirates in our waters, Niger Delta militants, disgruntled rouge soldiers, kidnappings, poverty, poor education and terrible health care, amongst others.

A war is coming, but not to worry: God will protect his babies so long as we pray.

You can follow Chuks on Twitter @juuicedaddy, if you are open to disappointments as his tweets are nowhere close to what you’d expect from a half-baked writer.