The discovery of ‘Nobody Holy’: A previously untold story
Some say the it was forged by an ancient sorcerer out of the last remnants of icing on ‘Geria’s national cake at the point where River Niger meets River Benue. Others say it was birthed after a rare intercourse between a Marlian and a Tacha Stan. But regardless of what version is true, ‘Nobody Holy’ made its way to the hearts and tongue of all ‘Gerians, old and young, male and female, and everyone in-between. And that was when things started to fall apart.
One Lagos, many troubles
Hope it didn’t move your office from CMS to V.I? If you don’t know, please confirm before you head out to work. In these times, we have to sympathise with Lagos people. One governor was removed because he didn’t carry people along in line with the master’s masterplan. Thank God, flood will carry everyone along now. Or should we say Lagosians got what they deserve? –— a man of the people.
September to remember
Diary, did you know it’s treason to yarb Mr President too? Mr Sowore’s mosquito has landed on PMB’s scrotum — he is the latest victim. But who is a treasonable felon? The person who toppled Shagari’s civilian govt. through a military coup or the one who complained of the decadence in the system?
The Nigerian government’s guide to road maintenance
There are some silly countries, such as Canada, that have created online forms and helplines just for people to complain about potholes. Every year, the city of Toronto alone spends millions of dollars repairing hundreds of thousands of potholes and then—wait for it—also gives progress reports to the people about how many potholes they’ve massacred. Who does that? Aren’t they aware that potholes are citizens with fundamental human rights? Don’t they know they are a necessary evil that deserve to be treated with love, care, and respect?
How to become the most peaceful university in Nigeria
When your students get into arguments with students from other institutions, while those students proudly make submissions over little accolades like having the best medical school or being among the top 50 universities in the world, tell yours to not feel inferior. They have the best quality any institution can offer. Peace.
Nigeria Air, Africa’s largest airline, to suspend activities to South Africa
I am pleased to announce to you that as part of efforts to bring the diplomatic relations between the GIANT OF AFRICA and the xenophobic South Africa to a very low ebb, the federal government of Nigeria under the leadership of Muhammadu Buhari has vowed that the activities of Nigeria Air, Africa’s best and largest air transport company, to South Africa will be suspended totally.
The apostle’s letter to Nigerians in SA
We never saw this coming. You know this has never happened until days ago. No Nigerian has ever been beaten, molested or robbed in SA — this is the first time. That’s why we are slow at reacting. All those former news we heard of the inhumane acts towards you in SA is mere talk. It wasn’t real, that’s why it’s taken us so long.
Kudos to our Yahoo boys
And then, they get down to the real work of pressing ‘lapi’ all night. Prapapapa papapa. No stopping. Thanks to the seemingly strong internet connectivity our nights afford in Nigeria. These boys don’t just sleep at all; they stay up grinding and hustling hard, with deft fingers. The business is not a walk in the park at all. And that’s what we are talking about — being hard-working without working hard for money. That’s just the Nigerian way.
A Nigerian guide to becoming influential: The Invictus Obi starter pack
Nigerians are a humble people, they do not need much proof before they revere you. After all, N2,000 is enough to buy their votes. When you have started the foundation, the media and NGOs would start taking you more seriously. You would be invited to shows, and talks, both locally and internationally. In simple terms, you have blown.
Mediocrity is praying
See how all your prayers since 1960 have produced plenty crude oil refinery for the nation, many monumental projects apart from the ones the oyinbos left us with, ASUU has stopped striking like thunder, the number of our of school children has drastically reduced, and we even produce more foodstuff than we can take. See how we export our best hands abroad because of surplus development here, and portable water continues to reach all Nigerians. Sisi mii, aku adura o!
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