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Feature, From Our Allies

How to be a Nigerian Scholar in the West│James Yékú 

You are “in the abroad” and your views must be seen by these irrational colleagues you have left in the dark as the absolute and irrefutable truths. After all, their research is a mere survivalist response to a parlous postcolonial state you are so generous to theorize in your peer-reviewed essays. Yours is the finest example of scholarship and your prestigious location is the desired Mecca those at home dream only about.

Feature, From Our Allies

How to write about Africa│Binyavanga Wainaina 

In your text, treat Africa as if it were one country. It is hot and dusty with rolling grasslands and huge herds of animals and tall, thin people who are starving. Or it is hot and steamy with very short people who eat primates. Don’t get bogged down with precise descriptions. Africa is big: fifty-four countries, 900 million people who are too busy starving and dying and warring and emigrating to read your book.

Unseriously Serious

Behind the scenes: Buhari’s prayers in Medina 

Somewhere in the Arabian desert, two frames dressed in white ihram, one much taller than the second, are seen discussing in hushed tones and with a seriousness characteristic of Nigeria, one of the world’s very advanced nations. The Sun provides a natural filter for the faces of His Excellency, the president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, and his most senior media adviser… but Bayo Omoboriowo, the president’s photographer, is not close-by to capture the unique scene.

Holy Mountain

Why you should continue to loom — a financial advisory guide 

Leave Loom not, Agents. Borrow nothing from events of the past. Yes, I agree, to some extent, your falling prey to obscure investment schemes is not your fault. “Poor souls are desperate souls.” Isn’t that what we hear? “Unemployed men are ever eager.” Isn’t that what we know? Add to those the fact that your government does not care about you for all it cares. At ordinary oversight and regulatory roles it miserably fails.

The T.A. Report

Weight loss now requirement for promotion of civil servants, says FG 

Workers, sources at the ministry of labour and employment told our reporter, may also soon be compelled to submit documents showing how many days off work they spent overseas as well as church/mosque attendance registers.

“The administration wants to make sure civil servants are taking time out to freshen up and to pray for the country,” an aide to the minister disclosed. “You see, especially now that the minimum wage has been increased, it is important we get value for every penny spent.”

Holy Mountain

Is Falz Nigeria’s first satirical artiste? — Reviewing Nigeria’s ‘immoralities’ through his Moral Instructions 

In a bid by some unrelenting quarters to establish the ideal Nigerian state, Falz has assumed the musical role Plato had envisaged — even more to the extent of comfortably using satire to drive home his points. From Sweet Nigeria in which he sang This is Nigeria to his latest, Moral Instruction, he has shown he is serious about the role.

Feature, From Our Allies

Opinion: Laugh if you like. But we need satire more than ever│Owen Jones 

It is all too often those at the bottom of society who are demonised and derided. There’s too little punching up. Where is the scrutinising – and yes, ridiculing – of the poverty-paying bosses, the tax dodgers, or the bankers responsible for economic disaster? Satire can be brilliantly effective at encouraging us to challenge the way our society is run. It is a more crucial element of our democracy than we perhaps think, and we should fight to bring it back to the prime-time slots it deserves.

The Book of Ajanaku

Undecorous Decalogue… The Nigerian politician’s 10 commandments 

14. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour—save where thy neighbour belongs to the opposition camp in which case he deserves not a single shekel of pity and thou may paint him in whatever colour thou pleases. If he is from Airegin, thou may say to give an example that he haileth from the neighbouring town of Nooremac. If he is hale and hearty, thou may spread falsehood that he hath passed on and hath been replaced with a look-alike from the Northern kingdom of Nadus.