From Our Allies

Satire 404: Navigating the Twitterverse 

Post stuff like “I’m new here. Show me around” or “Twitter do your thing” to gain new followers. Share your handle on influencers’ posts. Join ‘follow trains’. Have a crazily-weird crafted bio on your profile. Buy followers if you must. The veracity of your opinions and the credibility of your personality are now measured by the number of followers you have on Twitter.

From Our Allies

Why rapists aren’t so bad 

A lot has been going on lately on social media; everywhere has been tense. A girl was raped in a church and almost everyone got angry and started making absurd comments. Anger is a very valid emotion to feel, but the thing about anger is it removes one’s ability to think and make valid decisions. There is another perspective to this rape thing people aren’t looking at.

From Our Allies

In defence of Sai Baba 

For a 77-year-old man who had risked his life to partake in three major military coups; led the country as Head of State; ditched the khaki for the civilian garb; ran for Presidency three consecutive times before his triumph at the fourth attempt, this is undeserving. It is undeniable that the tall and suave Sai Baba is truly committed to Nigeria’s development. Come on, he could have retired to stay home and play with his grandkids but he didn’t, because of his undying love for the country.

From Our Allies

Becoming a campus journalist in Nigeria: A satirical guide 

Like the strong-willed patriotic Nigerian that you are, you do not want to lose out on all. You look for ways to impact on campus and thicken your skillset and your professional experience. You have got to thicken your CV for recruiters and employers who require a five-year experience for the job you hope to apply for as a fresh graduate. Trust me, I come with the perfect panacea: be a campus journalist and shoot into limelight.

From Our Allies

May Nigeria not happen to you 

The bullion vans that entered a private bank on Bourdillon Street, your anti-graft agency is yet to probe. Your House of Assembly speaker has about 64 bank accounts, he is yet to be duly prosecuted too. But if the police find more than three ATM cards in your wallet, you are declared a yahoo boy and your trial starts immediately.

From Our Allies

Happy 21st birthday, Democracy 

Speaking of institutional nonsense, you remember how one of the first things you established was a reformed Nigeria? Ha! Good old days. A Nigeria with a doomed legislative building, sorry domed building called the National Assembly where family reunion is held every now and then between former khaki boys, holders of umbrellas, holders of circled stars (which today is a luxurious broom), and other distant cousins.