The noble efforts to give almajiris a bright future
Even if they see a ray of hope or interest in something as Haram as Makarantan Boko, a thunder of “infidel” and soothing lashes of loving whips will never touch their backs. What do you need western education for? Without it, the commissioner rose to the top. He loitered the street, begged for money from passersby, almost got ran over by cars daily, ate crumbs from the plate of strangers and, when it was time, he was handpicked from the street and was sworn in as a commissioner the next day. You don’t have to strive; striving is rebellion.
How to become a prodigal son in Nigeria
Post false contents and out of context information at fragile moments and watch them rain curses on their leaders. You are saved na; you are not their leader anymore, you didn’t even pass through the gates of the national assembly. The day you were forced to do that, you broke your arm.
A compact list on how to be a Covidiot
To be a Covidiot in this Corona-maniac period is a smart and enviable thing to be. Trust me; it is what the who-is-who in the country are aiming for, so why don’t you beat them to the game?
A note to House of Representatives spokesperson: My apology | David Hundeyin
I would have liked to send you this apology privately, but I am constrained to do so here on the pages of a national daily because following our little exchange, you blocked me on Twitter. I hope you get to read this and understand that I am truly sorry about a lot of things, and I wish I could change them even though they were not all my fault.
Nigeria: A satire | John Chizoba Vincent
We are taking count of dead bodies in the streets. Those are the result of well-fed people. Those that saw a surplus of food and decided to kill themselves with it. Don’t mind them. Those dead bodies by our doorsteps are just fools who thought too much wine won’t harm them. The wine you brought for them to celebrate your already won 2019 election, they drank before the party started and killed themselves. Remember your Excellency that when a child that doesn’t know how to make money gets money from his father, he can’t control himself anymore.
Kano launches first Centre for Covidiocy and Intervirus Relations
It will be recalled that the state’s youth had earlier made a call to the Kano government to create a safe space for covidiots in Nigeria. They even went on to make online protests through videos where they washed their hands into bowls and drank the water to show their allegiance to covidiocy. The state government, as one that listens to its people and makes sure to satisfy their needs in every way and manner, finally decided to grant this special request.
Dear single ladies | Bibian Chinenye Pius-Urum
If you’re visiting a place, do not stay in a hotel. Look for anybody there, preferably a fellow girl, that you can stay in her house. Don’t spend your money in such immoral places. Do you even know what the bed you want to sleep on was used for?
Bring Back Our Mondays (#BBOM)!
Gradually, we have lost our sense of days. Today, like yesterday, is another Saturday. We shall eat rice, surf the Internet, talk with a few friends, and sleep like we did in previous Saturdays. The regular Saturday aura isn’t even appropriate anymore to describe our mood these days. We will just continue to live and pay no attention to the calendar on the wall.
How to get the Kogi COVID-19 app
A few days ago, Gov. Yahaya Bello told us of his incredible effort and first-of-its-kind approach to ensure the people of Kogi are marked safe from COVID-19. The most interesting thing in that interview with Channels television was the announcement of a software application that will help Kogi people monitor their COVID-19 status by themselves. This is highly commendable.
Sinzu Money finally writes to Imam of Pieces
My name is Sinzu Money as you have rightfully guessed and I’m the president of the rotten giant of Africa. Google that, beesh! For weeks now, since the break out of COVIK-1-9, you’ve turned me, my able office and country into a Twitter punching bag, hitting us from both sides. I don’t know if it was boredom or, as my wife has said, it was the hole in your brain.
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