By: Yusuf Adua
“I have dreamt of this moment for a long time. To trend. A day when my little galloway will command lions, elephants, and ravenous tigers to pave the way,” M.D. fantasised the night before the controversial interview.
He had a date with his girlfriend, an agreed meet and greet with his historian-uncle, and a scheduled Twitter space where he could, as usual, postulate theories on how to make Nigeria great again. But he gave all of these a rain check. There is always a next time. He shouldn’t miss the golden chance of “going international”.
M.D. phoned his mum, a successful businesswoman in Gusau, and sent a text to his dad, informing them he was about to make them proud. “I am about to set a record so high our entire generation will set aside a day to mark it every year,” he bragged.
He did set a record.
Nigerians, of course, know the truth, but they are always looking for who will spill the beans. Because Ajibade was given the waiver to spend six months in Mama Charlie’s country home, he has imported his extended family and cleared them with his student visa.
Why will these people outnumber us? The English authorities are baffled, angry and dissatisfied. So, they have concluded that foreign postgraduate students on non-research courses will no longer be able to bring family members to the UK under new immigration regulations.
Would you blame them after they found out that migration into the land of cheese and sweets has hit a record 700,000 this year? So, if you want to study, be prepared to practise abstinence from your kinsmen.
Fellow Nigerians! They have stretched the opportunity to a slacking point. When one of them secures admission to study, they jump in with him as his books and stay glued to his back like life support.
The UK government needed someone to hit the nail on the head to scheme its narrative, its media was hungry for a scapegoat who would validate its evidence-based reporting, and poor stardom-starved M.D. fell victim.
Sorry, we are not sorry.
Niger area has been squeezed between the devil and the deep blue sea for a long time or, better put, crashed into the channel and its remains disappeared from radar. It has become a geographical entity full of people with big brains but small productive output. Its people are already being stigmatised, topping the chart in the country’s negative image super league.
From teacher to student, driver to passenger, seller and customer, everyone wants to ride on the ills instead of the wrong notions the country has bred. They want to weave out a superhero tale from a garden of destined failure and calculated misfortune.
So, when M.D. got his chance, he didn’t disappoint.
“Since you got here, haven’t you brought anyone into the UK as a dependant?” the interviewer asked.
“Eeeen eeerhmn,” M.D.’s voice trails off as he struggles to respond.
The euphoria of an international appearance has now become a national ignominy — with hate targeted both online and off the internet.
There’s an M.D. everywhere.
An overjoyous first-timer who just wants to enjoy the moment but unintentionally causes harm to his tribe. He speaks the truth even though it ruffles the feather of more than half of his countrymen.
But then, M.D. could also be an opportunist who had waited and waited for a chance to retaliate against the jabs he had received from Nigerians in the UK, therefore, deliberately throwing his people under the bus for cheap clout.
In any case, you must develop your home.
How many American, British, and French citizens want their families to come to Nigeria because they have long-term engagements there? Sportspersons, postgraduate students, and diplomats who are from developed countries even see themselves as hard labourers doing unsolicited extra work by leaving their comfort zone for a foreign land.
Their families pity them. They look after them and double-check to confirm they’ve not lost their senses before leaving home. But in Nigeria, everybody wants their people to migrate so that they can be smuggled in as dependents.
Yusuf Adua is a permanent resident of the fourth estate who just wants to illuminate every dark spot of the system. He can speak at least three international languages fluently. Twitter handle: @YusufAdua1