Satire 404: Navigating the Twitterverse
Post stuff like “I’m new here. Show me around” or “Twitter do your thing” to gain new followers. Share your handle on influencers’ posts. Join ‘follow trains’. Have a crazily-weird crafted bio on your profile. Buy followers if you must. The veracity of your opinions and the credibility of your personality are now measured by the number of followers you have on Twitter.
How to become a prodigal son in Nigeria
Post false contents and out of context information at fragile moments and watch them rain curses on their leaders. You are saved na; you are not their leader anymore, you didn’t even pass through the gates of the national assembly. The day you were forced to do that, you broke your arm.
China jealous as Nigeria imports another draconian legislation from Singapore
It will be recalled that, last week, Nigeria imported a draconian from Singapore called the Control of Infectious Diseases Bill. The T.A. understands that its actual name is the Infectious Diseases Act Pro Max, a slightly upgraded model of the original law enacted in 1977.
Two thousand and twenty proverbs for a governor’s son
An alagba once admonished that “the masquerade that tries too hard to usurp his master by showing off his dance steps on the express shall be jammed by a Dangote trailer.” Our people say that “it is the desires of every father to have his son better him in life and accomplishments”. Without any iota of doubt, the governor wants his son to be better than he could ever be.
Nigerians on Twitter share their inspiring (and realistic) cash-saving experiences
A group of hard-working and smart Nigerians have taken to Twitter to share their 100 per cent true stories of saving money from their little earnings. Hoping others, especially members of the Youth Wing of the Union of Lazy Nigerians, will learn from their experiences, they also disclosed the mind-blowing things they have invested the savings in, including building houses and hospitals.
Dear Aunty Aisha, please stand still. Stop confusing the thunder.
I logged on Twitter to see your name trending. I was excited that our matron was back at giving the cabal their usual dose of gbas and gbos, only for me to get the shocker of my life. I don’t know what surprised me the most, that you were making references to China or that you were encouraging those small boys in the Senate to take away our social media that has saved your marriage more times than a therapist.
Fake news, fake legislators, fake government
Fake news on social media is an idiot. It is responsible for the hunger in the land, the slow growth rate of our economy, the increase in impoverished people, the poor power sector, the constant diminishing of our educational standards, and the mammoth crowd of Nigerians seeking to run out of the country. We’ve even closed our borders to avoid entrance of foreign fake news.
Becoming a rich Nigerian graduate
Keep posting things like ’50 people will have N1m before the end of this month. To claim this type amen’. Wait and see the number of amens you will see as comments within an hour. Nigerians, it doesn’t matter the number of times they’ve gone across such post(s), they’ll still comment with amen hoping for a testimony. They love miracles. A Nigerian God blesses people who have faith. He blesses those who don’t work hard.
Twitter war: The best way Nigerians showcase their supremacy
With the advancement and subsequent domination of Nigeria on Twitter, the nation will welcome tremendous uplift and huge productivity, and her 98 million poverty-stricken citizens will be alleviated. Who still says Nigerians are not intellectuals? Let such have a taste of their defeat on Twitter. Nonsense!
Why government should ban Big Brother Naija
I think MURIC (Muslim Rights Concern) has a point in saying Big Brother Naija should be banned. This is an issue of national emergency if you ask me. BBNaija is not only distracting us from tackling Fulani herdsmen and corruption in Nigeria; it also infringes on the religious right of some peace-loving Muslims.
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