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How to become a prodigal son in Nigeria

How to become a prodigal son in Nigeria

By: Sultan Quadri

He is the lover of the masses and he feels their pain, why won’t he? After how defeat dealt with him what do you expect? He is overburdened and needs blessings of God more than the 89.2 million poor Nigerians. 

He has lavished his luxurious items and is forced to live his days with dirty and rag-loving people. He has suffered just like everyone else and will now rise against the government. 

He calls his former friends evil and his master a thief. He was unjustly sacked because he did the job better than his master. Who would think such a diligent man existed in our sweet nation? Well, everyone has freedom of speech but acting skills are divine and are to be employed strategically to prove how innocent one has always been.

Come let me whisper in your ear a sure way to creep into the hearts of Nigerians after failing them. It is a masterclass reserved for clowns and loud frenemies. You don’t want the people to see through your pure lies, follow me to the rooftop; at least there is no wall there.

These are the things you will need to do:

1. Get a large following on social media

It is quite easy to do this, our digital world will help you. You just need to amass a large following after engaging in multiple clownish videos, be a good actor and wash your dirty linen in public. These are all you need to generate attention. In fact, set a new record as the only sitting senator to feature in a music video. Not only that, make it glamorous like getting the title of the song named after you.

You would have gotten the attention of our ever-busy populace who only find solace after every hard day on social media. Their attention is not enough, get them to rant. Don’t worry, no harm will come to you. They will just increase the comments under your posts.

2. Appoint yourself chief administrator of disinformation

This will be one of your major weapons. You need to play with the emotions of frustrated Nigerians. They are easy to manipulate and at least you have been doing it for long. 

Post false contents and out of context information at fragile moments and watch them rain curses on their leaders. You are saved na; you are not their leader anymore, you didn’t even pass through the gates of the national assembly. The day you were forced to do that, you broke your arm.

You can also upload outdated videos and label them as recent. You need enough fuel to get to their hearts, just incite them with provocative and yet outdated articles, little by little they will see you like the saint you are.

3. Vociferously criticise the government

This is the ace up your sleeves, you mustn’t fail to use it. At least, the last time you read your Bible, you saw the words, “Who is not against us is with us.” No, you are not manipulating the Bible; tell them to close their eyes so that you can pray for poverty to leave them since it is not a physical thing.

You just need to argue that when you were in power you evicted it but it refused to leave.

I hope this is not too much information? I trust you, it is only people who are not smart that question your certificates. Let’s be grateful Nigerians don’t trust their government. Criticised it and your sins, sorry your transgressions, will be forgiven … that is, of course, if you have any.

Lend your voice to things you don’t even understand so far it pleases the people or misleads them. Either way, you win.

4. Be a prayer warrior

The average Nigerian loves prayer, even if it is from the wrong person. Quote a Bible verse that shows you wait upon God so that the people can see that you are all in the same predicament.

Share verses so that the people can use their faith wisely and type amen! since we are all in trying times. Who doesn’t love a Christian that reads his Bible? In fact, you will be a role model to the younger generation, revered and honored as a Pastolician.

Once in a while, you can type in capital letters all through to vindicate yourself. Confess your crimes, show how sorry you are, and promise to fight the government for the people. It is then you can achieve your ultimate goal of getting your burdens relieved. You become accepted as a prodigal son.

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