… where sa-tyres never go flat
… where sa-tyres never go flat
At about 3:00 a.m., just before dawn on Wednesday, 15th of March, 2023, a chocolate-coloured old man, with a bald head, deserted beard and moustache, baggy face and fading eyes, stretches on his bed made of gold in his well-furnished master bedroom and begins a sleep talk that lasts for two hours. The white blanket that shields half of his body before now folds out over his uncontrolled stretch.
Nigeria is a vast land full of gullible people with no faith. It is where you are told salvation is free but you need to buy anointing oil and holy water, pastor’s stickers and even pay for your miracles. Yes, you have to pay for all of these because the Nigerian god blesses based on the measure you give.
Nigerians will accord you some respect when you go about with your bottle, sipping the water in bits. Never be in a hurry to drink everything at once, no matter how thirsty you are. When you are about to talk to a friend, open up and have a sip. Make sure there’s always at least a quarter of the contents left, at which point you can drop it inside your car. That is more honourable.
There is nothing more exhilarating than pitching for international opportunities, right? Well, hold on to your press passes and grab a pen because I’m about to lay out the hurdles that’ll make you question everything you thought you knew about the glamorous wanderlust-filled life of a reporter.
The regional bloc, CEDEAO, is afraid the dark days of military rule from the 1960s will return, where soldiers would seize their source of income and refuse to let go after realising how profitable and intoxicating power can be in Africa. But Nijeyrians do not mind having khaki-wearing commandos formulate and implement policies. After all, they have had several decades of democracy but are still one of the world’s poorest countries — taking some of the stench away from Naijiriya.
Even our prominent president reportedly set the pace in sign-a-thon. Apparently, to prove a point, Mr President hit the ground running by signing four bills in two weeks! The president deserves an accolade and a certificate of excellence as, perhaps, the first number one citizen to achieve this feat. Though a critic ridiculed the achievement by saying the bills are low-hanging fruits, I think it is deserving of a medal from no less than the GWR headquarters.
While JAMB vilifies our poor teenage protagonist, accusing her of parading falsified results, the girl herself presents a mysterious and intriguing piece of evidence—an alleged result format sent down from the heavens of academic bureaucracy.
Nigeria’s tear-rubber president, Baller Ahmeth Tininbu, known fondly as BAT, says he stands by his statement regarding the right of poor people to inhale oxygen into their lungs, but now adds that this should not be misinterpreted to mean the air would be subsidised.
In this country, you are never short of bad days. Live here long enough and you’ll realise that you don’t even have to do anything to catch a bad day. It will fall on you like the Money and Banana that Davido promised Chioma. Take it from someone who’s had an immeasurable number of bad days. I’ve seen enough to write a book on it. But what we’re not going to do is sit and mope over bad days, no. We don pass that. What I will be showing you is how to survive one or a couple of bad days.
Commercial motorcyclists are notorious for driving without regard for their life. Well, it is because they have so many they can afford to be reckless, a new study now tells us.
