Prize for Satire

You must first give birth obviously, you must do this to please the neighbors, your parents need to carry their grandchildren, your church members, deacons who look upon you with indignation, your friend who have jokingly mocked you for been childless, your coworkers in the office and your village people, your relatives need to perform their tradition depending on the tribe you are from.

I’m delighted by your prompt response to my memo and the seriousness with which you are taking this into consideration. Going through your memo, it is obvious the party is set to go on with her primary election. Thus, aspiring members whom were not shortlisted will be officially disqualified on the grounds of campaign of calumny, dastardly acts and irregularities of credentials.

I had joined my neighbour at the drinking parlour the night before. He looked devastated, like one who was about to be drowned in perpetual sorrow. He was rarely like that, so I knew it had to be something serious. I quizzed him till he finally said something. Something that affected him, me, and every man in our community. He initially laughed at my colossal ignorance. ‘You no dey Facebook?’

Boys are angels. Men are God-sent. I understand how magnificent the male child is every time my lungs expand and contract. The male child is gratified and society knows why. They have to be sent to school, taught to make money and be go-getters. The male child from the day they are born are raised to believe they can have it all, they should want it all and above all, they can get it all.

God doesn’t make mistakes, at all. And Nigerians are proof of it. In His all-knowingness, He understood perfectly what being a Nigerian would entail, and on the Eighth day, while every other human specie had become ‘up and functioning’, He made Nigerians, with cement and a resilient spirit to absorb hardship, and melanin, lots of it, to absorb harshness from the sun

The fight against government oppression lives on social media, Igbo traders are dishonest yet hardworking, Yoruba women are cussers yet kind, Hausa merchants are dirty yet generous, Ijaw traders are partial yet trustworthy.

Take online courses. Only the ones that give signed certificates. You don’t have to have an interest in or even understand the course. It can also be a course you’d never need; just collect your certificate and post it on social media. Caption it growth. Remember the more the certificates you have, the better a person you are.

After today’s celebration, tell
those who are out to deflate the protruding bellies of lies of our
“sicknators” that the
bellies of our “politrickcians” are like salamander limbs; when you
cut them they regrow.

The COVIK-19 is a custom of the COVID-19 virus. In an attempt for the COVID-19 virus cells to survive and thrive in its newly found environment whose atmosphere is highly concentrated with corrupium (a gaseous constituent that makes its space fantastically corrupt) and other uncongenial elements, it undergoes certain cellular adaptations.

Leader’s pockets are the nation’s locket
where valuables must be safely kept
for the supposedly coming unknown generations-
Which deliberately coincidentally, are their own relations.