… where sa-tyres never go flat

Prize for Satire

To whom it may concern

To whom it may concern

By: Chisom Cynthia Nnabude

To whom it may concern,

Boys are angels. Men are God-sent. I understand how magnificent the male child is every time my lungs expand and contract. The male child is gratified and society knows why. They have to be sent to school, taught to make money and be go-getters. The male child from the day they are born are raised to believe they can have it all, they should want it all and above all, they can get it all.

It is their right to live and when they’ve achieved it all, they’d be rewarded by marrying a wife who was created and nurtured just to be married by them. How lucky women are, having an already made man provide for their every need.

In all honesty, men are a defining factor of a woman’s life. They’re the one thing that’d justify women’s existence, the only certificate that matters to women are their marriage certificate. What other reason were they created for? As a woman, I understood that. I understood that I was created to be a trophy in my husband’s shelf because he will have a shelf. He’s not mad to not have a shelf.

I must learn how to cook because my husband who had been a man without me, a bachelor, will assume the right to forget how to cook and cater for his own need. He’ll assume the identity of someone who can only sleep, wake up, get dressed, eat and go to work. And occasionally decide if I’ve done my share of the wifely duties to earn money for the house’s upkeep. I was raised my entire life to earn points in my marriage. It’s a well-crafted game with assigned rules.

Forgetting how to do anything love related comes in the husband requirement handbook. He only loves you when he’s courting you and after marriage, the love is still there but there are more important things. He has to work and provide for the family. Somehow, if your husband managed to retain the qualities he had during courtship and if he manages to retain it three months after the wedding, return him to the factory for resetting. But feel free to keep him if he adds his care and help around the house to your incompetence or requests to keep it a secret to protect his male ego.

In the husband requirement handbook, your husband is expected to tell you to stop using the degree you sweated four or more years to get. The degree lecturers and professors used their unique rights and promises to fail and frustrate you before you got it. You’ll get the urge to argue, you might argue but as soon as he makes promises of how he wants you to relax and be cared for like a queen, give in. All the best queens weren’t always queens, so you’ll make a fine and patient wife as you’ve seen the hardship of the world. Sensible girl, a point in your favour.

Remember the main reasons you’re going to school is so you’d have something to offer in the marriage aside from your cooking skills. The world has evolved so much that helping your husband in the farm has been replaced with reading your husband’s work files and providing assistant to few work-related stresses. Your kids also need to be taught to do their homework. See how much point you’re getting; I’m dying of pride. In cases of doubts, refer to the perfect wife handbook.

The perfect wife handbook isn’t about you. It sounds like it is, right? The only thing about you is in respect to your husband. Section 26 clearly explains that your husband is not cheating on you, he doesn’t have it in him. Understand that as a man, he has to burn stress and he’s understanding in the sense that he doesn’t want to tire you out. So, he goes to the six girls you have to share him with. It’s pure mathematics. There are seven girls to one boy, you’re the one that married him. Hopefully, one of them is dead or became a nun. But he has to be shared for the world to revolve properly. Don’t be a husband hoarder. If you keep tabs, it means you don’t trust him, it’ll be motivation for him to cheat. Cheating is dating girls outside the six of you. You should stop going after the girls. Asking them to leave your husband is not lady-like. And it’s embarrassing for him. Just pray that God will come. Besides, the ring is on your finger. You have the ring and title, what are you complaining about?

That aside, it is of paramount importance that you remain in shape after giving birth. That flat stomach you were married with, use the same youthful energy to maintain it. Learn in time to master your baby’s sleeping habit so your husband can get a good night sleep. Hold on, you don’t have a child yet. After how many years of marriage? Are you sure there’s nothing wrong with your womb? Did you sleep with any Alhaji during your youth? Did you abort any child? It has to be something that is wrong with you. Don’t even harbour the thought that your husband is the impotent one. That’s heavily similar to blasphemy.

Hope you read and understood the part where your body becomes his. It’s simple. If he’s in the mood for sex, you’re also in the mood. Don’t be ridiculous, he didn’t rape you. Your husband can’t rape you. He just coaxed you into the mood.  And besides, what made you to not be in the mood for sex? You’re the first person that to have children and a business?

Don’t forget that his body isn’t yours, there are six others. Aside from that, he has to lose shape. Pot-belly is permitted, a clear sign that he has money. Forget all those your teenage obsession of boys with well-built body. This is reality, your reality. The one where you work out for two.

Remember being guilt-tripped is something you have to go through. Understand that you entered marriage, not a safe haven. You need to take care of him and the kids. Be a maid and a lover. The only reason you’re breathing, the reason for your existence is him. He’s the reason there a woman in the first place. And you need to atone for a sin your kind forced him into committing. Don’t act out of line.

He slapped you. So what? I’m genuinely confused. All those times he was sent back to beat up his bullies, what were you thinking was happening? He was learning to stand up for himself, to not be talked down to. He was learning to be a man. He’s not responsible for who he became. You’ll get apologies and kisses later. Makeup sex too. Quit whining and stop calling it abuse. Did you call it abuse when your parents hit you? Or has the devil decided it was time for you to ruin your family’s name. You’re not the first person to be hit. And always remember that there are no abused wives, just wives that let the devil win.


As a woman, your entire life had been created and designed to fit a man’s. You have to bear kids and forfeit career. You can’t do both. But if you decide career is better, lonely nights will come. And I hope you have clay and life-giving air plus God’s artistry to build your own man. Men can’t marry a woman above them it’s unheard of. Refer to the husbands before them for more details.

As a woman, you’re not an equal. It is irresponsible to believe you can be more. It is unimaginable that you out your husband for hurting you. It is madness that you decide to do more for your life. Just act accordingly. Know who you are and know your place. Act accordingly.

Chisom Cynthia Nnabude writes with the pen name Harielta James is the author of many short stories, and novellas. Her stories are written with the intention of passing a message in a humorous way. She listens to a wide range of music and is interested in photography, graphics design and robots. When she’s not writing, she’s going through Pinterest, watching YouTube videos and movies, arguing with her genius, or reading books.

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The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

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