Nigerian parenting: A small handbook
The first thing you need to know is that you have to give birth to many children. Omo ni ade; they are your wealth, they carry on the family name, they take care of you when you are old. If you decide to have one and that one dies when he is twenty – remember that story of that boy that died during his graduation? – what will happen then?
Candid suggestions for President Mumu-Man-Du
Good day, President Mumu-Man-Du, the Commander-in-C(t)hief, my amiable f(r)iend. I hear you are greatly perturbed by the state of our nation; the hardship it is entrenched in, coupled with the fallacious claims from most citizens, that you are incompetent. Indeed, uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. To placate and encourage your perplexed self, I offer to you and your representathieves, my candid suggestions on how to positively manage the affairs of our nation.
Made in Nanja
Our democracy is twenty-one years old. This calls for a celebration; the type that requires Aso-Ebi and sumptuous jollof rice with chicken. It is a good thing to give thanks to God for keeping this unholy alliance together. Though many things have gone wrong in this our country, we are proud to flutter our flag though stained with the blood of innocent souls whose death always raises a dirge at nightfall in the North.
The police force: One hassle, different officers
On the second floor, there are three officers. They are seen talking about the recent rape case that was brought before them. One is Martin, the captain, and the other officers are Marcus and Jim. They are both seated before Martin. The line for the conservation is soon drawn.
The many reasons why I am pro-abortion
I own a penis. It is important to start with that. Why? My penis clouds my judgment. I don’t have the right to tell a woman what to do with her body, unless, I am pro-abortion. If I am pro-abortion, then it doesn’t matter if I own a penis or not. Bonus points if I am in a science-related field. My views will be all over the place. It is sheer arrogance for a penis owner to go against abortion. After all, penis owners don’t listen to vagina owners on health-related issues.
On mourning a son
There are different reasons for which people may want to mourn a son. This guide is useful for those keeping their eyes on the big goals of their son’s property or their son’s wife. For eye-service tips on how to pretend you weren’t actually the one who killed your son, check out our guide on mourning louder than the bereaved here.
The horrors of homosexuality
While the world is being torn apart by viral pandemics, cases of rape, murder and the likes, let us put that aside and focus on a more serious issue, the hideous crime of homosexuality. Could there be anything more disgusting than two humans of the same sex finding love and companionship with each other? Probably not. There is nothing normal about individuals engaging in intimate relationships that won’t result in making babies – totally unproductive and time wasting.
Because we wear white and black/because we stay under the brutal sun/we become brutal/’the government hasn’t paid us’ is now an anthem at the police college/we look the innocent with the eyes of a vulture/rifle on the head/ and siphon from their suffered pennies.
How to raise your children
You must first give birth obviously, you must do this to please the neighbors, your parents need to carry their grandchildren, your church members, deacons who look upon you with indignation, your friend who have jokingly mocked you for been childless, your coworkers in the office and your village people, your relatives need to perform their tradition depending on the tribe you are from.