By: Iyilade Adeboye Samuel
Good day, President Mumu-Man-Du, the Commander-in-C(t)hief, my amiable f(r)iend. I hear you are greatly perturbed by the state of our nation; the hardship it is entrenched in, coupled with the fallacious claims from most citizens, that you are incompetent. Indeed, uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. To placate and encourage your perplexed self, I offer to you and your representathieves, my candid suggestions on how to positively manage the affairs of our nation. Some say you ostensibly practice something not so different, if true, please continue. If not, then accept this pacifying offering.
1. Use the rod: Mr. President, after thorough investigations, I’ve observed that the preponderant ratio of those that resent you are children and youths (evident by how they vehemently clamored for a quick discard of the social media bill). It is in no way right that these ones defecate on the essence of our culture and talk back at elders (like yourself and your sinators), however wrong he/she might be. I advise that you engage curtailing measures to inhibit their excesses, for example, to curb this moral decadence, do not pay parents their salaries, this move will ensure that parents learn to prioritize feeding, and not provide the children with ridiculous gadgets and data subscription plans. On the long run, these younglings will have no access to the social media they religiously employ, to make vilifying remarks about you. To achieve this aim among the youths (the lazy lots expecting to be spoon-fed), do not provide them with jobs.
Mr. President, children/youths are the future leaders of tomorrow, posterity will be bitter to us if we commit the affairs of the nation into their obstinate hands as they go astray, without redirecting them to the right path. Do not spare the rod, do not spoil the child.
2. Decimate the populace: Custodian of the villa(ins), weeks back you complained about how gravely seeded, this nation is in recession, such that only divine interventions can bring immediate changes. Sir, this need not be so, you can make do with the mustard seeds in your possession. To start with, I’ve identified the root cause of this problem; our population. Our country is a developing nation with insubstantial resources, I suggest you cut its coats according to its size, decimate the populace! In order to achieve this noble goal, permit the incessant slaughtering—of this country’s inhabitants—carried out by insurgents, bandits and herdsmen. The more the killings, the lesser the population. The lesser the population, the lesser the strain on the nation’s resources. Encourage also, by providing them with ravishing meals and comfortable shelters, if they are diligent with these killings (combat them though, if they touch your relatives). Most family planning methods these days are trite, it is only right we embrace—and not antagonize—this efficacious cost-effective procedure. Our nation’s population is a malignant tumor that never stops growing, cauterize it!
I also suggest (again) that you do not pay workers/parents—excluding your relatives—their salaries, and keep the unemployed jobless. If salaries are not paid , and the unemployed remain jobless, food can’t be purchased and put on the table; members of families go hungry then become sick, and thanks to our already dilapidated health care systems, the weak ones won’t receive treatment and inevitably die, decimation is achieved! This pivotal suggestion is like that proficient stone that kills two birds (emphasis on kills), implement it with utmost dexterity.
(P.S: incumbent governors promised—during elections—to repair roads with potholes responsible for accidents, they should please refrain; more accidents are needed to claim lives.)
3. Embrace your quietude: President Mumu-Man-Du, I must admit that I fervidly admire how you maintain tranquility, and stay mute during travailing times, please do not stop. Demons, masquerading as activists will demand that you assuage the pains and ululations of your people (especially if you implement the suggestions above), directing that you placate their pain by publicly addressing them. Please, do not concede to their sentiments, they are purblind individuals. I, for one, understand that your irrepressible muteness is not borne out of disrespect, but great salute for the dead, recognizing their noble sacrifice to leave you with lesser mouths to feed. Why give only a minute of silence, when you can forever be mute to respect their gallantry? Do not be disturbed by those demons, if no one recognizes your sacrosanct act for what it is, rest assured God does. Embrace your quietude sir!
4. Self-love: Great Commander-in-C(t)heif, in times of hardship, any explorable means of survival is fair. I admonish that you make efficient use of your position to harness wealth for yourself and your relatives. I am not insinuating you should not have the interest of your nation at heart, no, (I already suggested measures on how to aid the nation,) but you must understand that charity begins at home, especially during perilous times. Ensure you save money (zillions of it), obtain exquisite cars and mansions, send your children to luxurious schools. Also ensure you give your children jobs; the jobs made unavailable to those that resent you (ensure the jobs are not strenuous though, your children should be treated like royalty, they came to this world holding silver spoons, respect them for that). People will say you have stolen, but rest assured you are doing the right thing.
5. Incapacitate resistance: Mr. President, unto every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction. Like you’ve already witnessed resistance, you will be met with more (plethoric for that matter) if you implement suggestions one to four, but be not dismayed, this fifth suggestion is designed to guide you on how to scrupulously mitigate these storms of resistance. It works like magic.
Starting from the head, I advise that you inflict the byzantine trio—Democracy, Order and Independence—with insanity. This trio will brazenly slander on the streets to all that you—the supreme being presiding over the affairs of this country—be subjected to banal laws meant for plebeians, and not be placed above it. Sir, only people aspiring to be mad spit this kind of gibberish, I suggest that you render them insane permanently, and when you do this, ensure that their state of insanity is uninterrupted.
The next sect you will have to tackle are the activists, those myopic demons. These ones will incense the masses to revolt against you. I suggest that you make scapegoats out of them by incarcerating them. If truly they want a great nation, let them languish in prisons, praying to God to direct your noble cause. After all, Joseph (the dreamer) spent years in one, before he attained greatness, or have they stopped studying his story in their holy books? Take this chaotic lots and send them to prisons–the deplorable kind–inaccessible to anyone, except yourself. That way no one gets to hear their inciting gospels, and they themselves will learn to stay quiet (just like you).
Mr. President, some citizens will subtly resist, by trying to abscond to foreign countries, claiming they are only hunting for green(er) pastures. For these ones, please truncate their attempts, if indeed they desperately need to exit the country, it should be to nowhere but heaven! Let them migrate to the camp of insurgents (those hardworking men I told you to embrace) so they can have themselves killed, let them leave the country as brave men (honoring the noble cause of decimation) and not cowards (only cowards will chicken out in the face of hardship). At least this way they will move to streets of gold instead of grass.
The youths will also oppose, to deaden these ones, please refer back to suggestion 1, the rod. In addition to the measures there, ensure to cut down the intended budget allocated to the education of the ones still in schools. You should not be wasting money on rebels.
Mr. President, for the final part of this grand scheme, endow your black marshals heavily with weapons and ammunitions, then deploy them to the streets. Peradventure, the citizens decide to take to the streets in unison, demanding you resign, these marshals will be available to shoot their aesthetic bullets—at your command— into the voice box of these dissidents. I believe this move will quieten them forever. Don’t be afraid to do this, even the creator—in times past—covered the earth with a flood to wipe out myriads of rebels.
President Mumu-Man-Du, tough times never last, only tough humans do, but for tough humans to last, they must act. I implore you to implement these suggestions and adhere to them, so tough humans can last. If you do this, our nation will be promoted to the next satisfactory level, and the great change you envision will be achieved. (* P.S: These suggestions are not restricted to your tenure alone. Your successor can also use them. *)
your mirror image.
Iyilade is a student of the University of Ibadan, studying Pharmacy. He is also a campus journalist, serving as the Arts editor and also Managing editor of his Faculty’s press organization, PANS PRESS UI.