By: Gracious Egedegbe
I own a penis. It is important to start with that. Why? My penis clouds my judgment. I don’t have the right to tell a woman what to do with her body, unless, I am pro-abortion. If I am pro-abortion, then it doesn’t matter if I own a penis or not. Bonus points if I am in a science-related field. My views will be all over the place. It is sheer arrogance for a penis owner to go against abortion. After all, penis owners don’t listen to vagina owners on health-related issues.
That said; allow me to promote my arguments for abortion.
1. Abortion is a victimless crime. When a woman commits abortion, she hurts no one! You see that thing that she seeks to remove is just that – a thing! It is not alive. Some penis owners and backstabbing vagina owners have argued that that ‘thing’ is biologically alive. It’s alive? So what! It’s just a bundle of cells. Those cells can’t survive on their own so they don’t matter. In fact, anything that cannot survive on its own doesn’t matter. Except for my sick father who is in a coma or my vegetate grandmother or more importantly, my newly born child that cannot survive on her own.
2. It’s a woman’s body! A woman has the right to do whatever she likes with her own body. Does she want to cut her hands off? Fine! Does she want to kill herself? Fine! Does she want to get rid of a bundle of cells inside of her? Fine! Why? Because it’s her body! Wait? The bundle of cells isn’t her body? What do you mean? That the bundle of cells has a unique DNA and is biologically alive doesn’t make my argument invalid. That is why an abortion can be carried out at any time. If a woman wants to carry out an abortion seconds before labour, she should be allowed to. It’s her body!
3. Abortion is not killing a person. I think I overreacted in the previous point. I only support abortion when that thing is just a bundle of cells. The moment it becomes a person, I think it becomes murder. Happy now? How do I know when the bundle of cells becomes a ‘person’? That’s a stupid question, you know. Do you know what they call a Zygote? The thing that happens when the sperm forcefully penetrates an egg? That is not a person. It’s a… Do you think I will say ‘thing’ again? Aha! I won’t fall into your trap. Some stupid people will argue that under the law, an entity is either a property or a person. Even if it’s valid, the zygote is a property. Somewhere along the line, the property becomes a person. I’m tired of this point already.
4. A lot has been invested in it. Let me pray for you: your investments will never go to waste. Did you say amen? Good. Now, consider this: the act of abortion is being perfected through innovative pills and surgical techniques. Killing unborn babies of people you’ve never met requires a lot of resources, personnel and dedication. Western countries and international organizations donate billions of dollars each year to African countries so abortions can stay legal and accessible. If you argue against abortion, you are an ingrate! How can people donate so much so you can kill your unborn children with ease and you don’t want? How? How much have they invested to help mothers and fathers? Don’t ask me such. Those fools should have aborted their children when they had the chance.
5. Legalized abortions save lives. When abortion is legalized, we save the lives of women and young girls who would have died at the hands of quack abortionists. These women and young girls were in danger from their unborn children. If they don’t abort those children, they will die. If they go to quacks, they will die. Think about that. We are saving lives by killing unborn babies. Do the lives of unborn babies matter more than living persons who don’t want those babies? Oh shut up! Don’t tell me that fear of ridicule, intimidation; poverty and sheer irresponsibility are causes of abortion. I don’t want to hear the underlying issues or how to solve them. All I want is to kill those unwanted twats.
6. Young people need abortion. One reason why a penis owner should support abortion is that it saves him from responsibilities. Imagine that a young broke writer like me gets a young broke lady pregnant. How do you want us to explain to our parents and sponsors and pastors that we have tasted the forbidden fruit? Let us get this abortion instead. It’s the easiest way out. Instead of accepting responsibility, please let me chicken out. I am not a man, I am a chicken. A chicken with a penis. Those who have accepted responsibility, learnt from their mistakes and are working to make things better are either fools or have two human heads. Remember, I am a chicken. I only have a chicken head.
7. Poor people should be able to abort their pregnancies. There are two ways to reduce the number of childbirth at home: family planning and abortion. For poor people, the only viable option is abortion. A dead child is better than a poor child. Can’t the baby see that the family is poor? Can’t the baby see that they have three children already? That baby is just being stubborn and stupid and that is punishable by murder. Should we work on reducing unemployment? No! Should we make family planning available and affordable? No! Should we ask our pastors and Imams to teach family planning in their religious centers? No! Should we go to schools to teach youths and teenagers different forms of family planning? No. What we need is to make abortion more accessible.
8. Rape victims should be able to kill unwanted children. Some rape victims suffer great distress and it is unfair to make them let any memento from their experience to live. I know we penis owners can never understand this point because we can’t experience it. That is why we need to shut up when this point is raised. Don’t talk about therapy. Don’t talk about support from family, friends and community. Don’t talk about women who raised children born out of rape and are happy they did. Just shut up when this point is raised. The foolish ones that want to keep the pregnancies against their parents’/sponsors’ advice should be abandoned. The ones who are delivered of rape babies should be gossiped about and stigmatized so future rape victims can learn.
9. Unwanted babies prevent women from living empowered lives. The moment a baby enters a woman’s body, it begins to destroy things. Her career is over. Her education is over. Her entire life is over. And whose fault is it? It is not the culture of stigmatizing single mothers. It is not greedy firms who do not give women maternity leave. It is not a generation of irresponsible men and boys who do not want to accept responsibility for their actions. It is the baby’s fault. The baby uses a straw to drink the mother’s empowerment from within. The baby must die. A woman cannot be empowered to raise a child. No! The countless women who were able to raise children and live meaningful lives should be ashamed of themselves.
10. Children born of incest should die! Do you know incest is a sin against God and nature? God said we should have nothing to do with the fruits of unrighteousness. Incestuous children are fruits of unrighteousness, they must die. Children born out of wedlock are also fruits of unrighteousness but God understands. Nature tells us that incestuous children are more likely to be born with all kinds of illnesses. That is why they should die too. For children born with disabilities that are conceived out of normal unions, well, they are worthy of love. Don’t forget to stigmatize young children who were forced into incestuous relationships, and their offspring too, should they be stupid enough to keep them. Besides, I hope you know that in most cases, the girl is the stupid one. The father doesn’t want his act of love to become life while the mother worries what people will say about her in the market. So the girl has to abort the baby. It’s the only option for a wise and humane fellow.
The next time you see a pregnant woman, look at her with pity. She probably cannot afford an abortion or her penis owners in her life won’t let her.
Gracious Egedegbe is a reader who writes. Sometimes he strays into the murky waters of satire; sometimes he’s on the high ground of fiction. Regardless, you are more likely to meet him reading than writing. When he is not reading, he is thinking of what to read. He is currently the Editor in Chief of lavismag.com. He tweets via @iamthegray