National Centre for Defalcation Control (NCDC)

A LAB REPORT ON COVIK-19: ASSESSING THE BIOMEDICAL FILES OF A VIRUS PECULIAR TO THE NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT

By: Anuoluwa Olusegun Soneye

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INTRODUCTION

The COVID-19 pandemic has indeed dealt humanity a great blow. Its menace has seen the birth of over 600,000 graves and still counting, led to the crumbling of various struggling economies and ultimately, among many other woes, pillaged the relics of community life which humanity holds dear. However, amidst this ruckus, attention has been drawn towards another titan virus coexisting with the COVID-19 and concurrently proves more fatal. Intel tells us that this virus is endemic; fast spreading across the terrains of Nigeria, and currently has no vaccine. However, ongoing researches have been unable to pinpoint the exact origin of the virus but there are conjectures that this virus is an evolution from the reaction of the COVID-19 virus cells to its current environment with history of high concentration of lethal sociopolitical atmospheric constituents.

THE NATURE OF THE COVIK-19 VIRUS

The COVIK-19 is a custom of the COVID-19 virus. In an attempt for the COVID-19 virus cells to survive and thrive in its newly found environment whose atmosphere is highly concentrated with corrupium (a gaseous constituent that makes its space fantastically corrupt) and other uncongenial elements, it undergoes certain cellular adaptations. However, it is necessary to clarify that the COVIK-19 and the COVID-19 viruses are not mutually exclusive. This establishes that its current geographical space is left to engage in a war with two truculent viruses concomitantly.

COVIK-19 VIRUS TAXONOMY

Binomial nomenclature

Family: Corrupriviridae

Subfamily: Corruprivirinae

Realm: Embeziviria

Phylum: Decartae Structuris

Order: Naijavirales

Additional information: The virus thrives well where there are fiscal splurges and dramatic expansion of public spending paralleled with acute institutional deficiency with absolutely no credible structure to uphold transparency and accountability.

OBSERVATIONS

Strangely, this virus can be described as a highly diplomatic one being that it is highly selective in the choice of its hosts and has been flagged to expand the digestive system of its host to feed through it. As though this virus possessed some form of cognitive abilities to distinguish arid lands from green fields, it has been found to have greater affinity for the El Dorados of the country over the larger habitation of poor masses. Though unconfirmed, the exhibition of large belly sizes is a common factor among many of its hosts. Our experts theorize that this is a possible adaptation for the stomach to cater for the expansion of the esophagus whose capacity is now colossal. Research has further proven that the COVIK-19 is rather an esophageal/encephalitis infection than a coronavirus.

PROFILE OF TEST SUBJECTS

In an attempt to learn more about the COVIK-19 virus, the National Centre for Defalcation Control has taken into custody for close observation and analysis, two cavia porcellus.

Name: Ibrahim Magu

Code Name: CK1001

Office(s): Chairman, EFCC

Age: 58 years

Belly size: Moderate

Having tested positive for the COVIK-19 virus, subject — codenamed CK1001 — has allegedly shown the following symptoms:

1. Use of a Bureau de Change which has 158 bank accounts in siphoning money.
2. Money laundering alongside some other officials.
3. Non-remitting of interest on a sum of 550billion Naira from treasury looters.
4. Receipt of bribes from suspects.

Name: Godswill Obot Akpabio

Code Name: CK1330

Office(s): Minister of Niger Delta Affairs

                 Senator – Akwa Ibom North-West (Former)

                 Senate minority leader (Former)

                 Governor of Akwa Ibom State (Former)

Age: 57

Belly size: Extra large

Having tested positive for the COVIK-19 virus, subject — codenamed CK1330 — has allegedly shown the following symptoms:

1. Attempted inflation of NDDC budget.
2. Sexual harassment.
3. Fraud in relation to NDDC relief funds.
4. Misappropriation of N40billion NDDC funds.
5. Circumvention to siphon unapproved budgets.

ANALYSIS OF COVIK-19 REGULATION NEWS’ REPORT

After much inquiry into the nature of the regulations and laws implemented as a result of the COVIK-19 outbreak, certain hypothesis has been put forward.

REPORT ON REOPENING OF AIRPORTS

There is a perceived subtle prioritizing of the reopening of airports over lifting bans on interstate travels and intrastate movement. This is much evident in the resumption of domestic flights on July 8 and the volcanic pressure in the attempt of restoring normalcy to the operation of international flights. This to some extent hints that unlike COVID-19, COVIK-19 is inhibited in the lower stratosphere. Hence, airlines are resistant to homing and spreading the virus.

REPORT ON REOPENING OF RELIGIOUS INSTITUTIONS

The government embarked on the reopening of religious centers on the 15^th of June. However, this came alongside a mound of regulations which included social distancing and hand washing, congregation quotas and service durations. This brave development has led to the formulation of certain hypothesis:

1. That COVIK-19 exhibits certain levels of intelligibility in sociopolitical matters and also, that there is some sort of understanding of manipulation and management. Given that according to German philosopher and economist, Karl Marx, “Religion is the opium of the masses”. Originating from this are quite a number of “what ifs?” What if the opening of religious centres is a tactical move to allow the masses to sip hope, to quench the fire that is slowly becoming wild inside of them? Isn’t finding solace in the arms of God — the secret place of the most high, the best way to release all the toxins already built up in the bloodstream from the depressing weight of the lockdown? What if all this is simply a way of managing the multitude while the virus spreads further’?

REPORT ON DECLARATION OF CURFEW

After an initial imposition of a nationwide curfew that kicks off at 8 pm and lapses at 4 am, the government later reduced the span on June 2 to last between the hours of 10 pm and 4 am. Emerging from this are the following:

1. That unlike the COVID-19 virus which undergoes no cellular changes in relation to illumination, the COVIK-19 virus is more virulent in the dark. Though we have been unable to validate the extent of how dark it needs to be for this to take effect, there are speculations that the scope of the darkness in questions could also bear literary undertones.
2. That the carriers must not be sighted while the virus takes effect on it host.

ELECTIONS SET TO HOLD

As COVIK-19 continues its rampage, elections are still set to hold. However, the minister of Education in corroboration with the federal government is on the verge of truncating the conduct of the WAEC examinations in Nigeria. Though unverifiable, COVIK-19 takes special interest in political matters.

REOPENING OF SCHOOLS (on repeat)

The news on the reopening of schools has been tormenting the media since the earlier periods of the inception of the virus. It is an expectation that is evergreen since it is the hinge on which true normalcy pivots and there are speculations that the virus could have something to do with this. This hints us that COVIK-19 is intelligent and less concerned about education.

CURE AND VACCINATION

As it stands, there are no known treatments for the virus. So far, with information gotten from research, the virus can only be mitigated. There are speculations that certain drugs like the *** are viable treatments, however, this news should be discarded as all tests to prove such have ended in futility.

That test subject CK1001 tested positive for the virus is not an apocalyptic prophesy of doom but rather one that sheds light on our current situation.

Therefore, owing to the emergence of the COVIK-19 virus, we implore the public to observe the following measures:

1. Social distancing: Ensure you stay away from people who exhibit long throat and other voluptuous signs.
2. Hand and Mouth washing: Wash your hands and mouth regularly to remove food debris and avoid developing dental caries.
3. Keep environment clean: Clean up any trace of bones from skeletons in cupboards.
4. Quarantine: Detain anyone showing strange symptoms.
5. Lockdown: Stay safe if sighted by a carrier while walking in the dark to avoid death. 

SIGNIFICANCE OF THE RESEARCH

The research has helped a great deal in shedding light on our current sociomedical situations. In line with this, it has opened our eyes to cosmic possibilities in the evolution of viruses; the limitless importance of the nature of our political-ecosystem in relation to the influx of external bodies.

SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION

The COVIK-19 virus must be seen by all as a threat against humanity and it is our collective responsibility to fight it. This research has given us deep insights into the nature of the virus. However unlikely salvation seems, we the NCDC would continue to work tirelessly and relentlessly towards uncovering the necessary truths behind the nature of this virus. This tempestuous voyage is one we consider as our service to humanity and we would not quit sailing forward.

                                                                                                                                            Stay safe!

Signed:

Anuoluwa Soneye

Managing Director, NCDC

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Anuoluwa Soneye is a graduate of the Department of English, Obafemi Awolowo University. He is a lover of literature and a writer of poetry and short stories.